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Rejoice with Trembling
October 10, 2024
The Ultimate Day of Rachamim
Rabbi Nochum Binder
There’s a misconception about Yom Kippur.
We tend to put all the Yamim Nora’im in the same package, seeing Yom Kippur as the culmination of the din of Rosh Hashanah—and din is scary. It feels like everything we’ve grown accustomed to is being called into question, and we don’t know what will happen or how the year will turn out.
If you look at the rishonim and Chazal, it’s clear that the essence of Yom Kippur isn’t din, it’s rachamim. The fact that it’s the day of chasimas hadin is far from the focal point.
In fact, Yom Kippur is the only day when we change the nusach in Birchos Krias Shema from “Yotzer ohr u’borei choshech—Who creates light and darkness” to “Hapose’ach lanu sha’arei rachamim—Who opens for us the gates of mercy.”
Hakadosh Baruch Hu opens the gates of rachamim on Yom Kippur.
We know this world is a blend of rachamim and din. Chazal tell us that Hashem put both together in the bri’ah.
Yom Kippur is different.
The word “Hasatan” has the gematria of 364. The Satan has power on 364 of the 365 days in the year. On Yom Kippur, he’s powerless.
Yom Kippur isn’t a scary day; it’s a day of opportunity. It’s the day Hashem looks at Klal Yisrael with compassion and love.
What does this mean for us?
It’s not about the future; it’s about the present. Mainly, it means that Hashem cleanses us. Yom Kippur isn’t just a day of kapparah; it’s day of taharah.
On this day, our relationship with Hashem, our purpose in creation, is front of mind. He created us to be close to Him. Everything good that happens comes from that closeness. The worst thing that can happen to a human being is to be distanced from Hashem. The cause of all difficulties in the world is the separation between Klal Yisrael and the Ribono Shel Olam.
Shabbos Shabbason is like a washing machine—experiencing the day itself cleanses us.
When we experience Yom Kippur as we’re supposed to, Hashem washes us off. Then we can reclaim our state of purity, our ultimate purpose in this world.
Turning on the washing machine
How do we activate the cleansing of the day?
On Yom Kippur, all we have to do is turn on the washing machine.
According to Chazal, teshuvah is a mitzvah that we’re obligated to do on Yom Kippur. Most people are afraid of the teshuvah process, but they don’t realize that the avodah is different on this day.
The acharonim learn in the Rambam that the teshuvah process of Yom Kippur is much easier than it is during the year. The Rambam says that all it requires is vidui, saying “Chatanu.” He says that the point is that we feel bad that we did aveiros, and we feel the distance and long to reattain that closeness to Hashem.
Typically, it’s a long process of vidui, charatah, azivah, and kabbalah. But on Yom Kippur, teshuvah is the feeling of wanting to get closer to Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
The Rema explains that teshuvah works for shavim hama’aminim b’kaparasam—returnees who have faith in their teshuvah.
How do we access this unique teshuvah?
Through committing to a small kabbalah, Rav Yisroel Salanter teaches. If there’s one thing we’re going to do better in the coming year, we have connected to the power of Yom Kippur and will achieve taharah.
The chessed in the chasimah
The Ribono Shel Olam gave us a tremendous opportunity by waiting until Ne’ilah to seal the din. He delays the psak, affording us the opportunity to use Yom Kippur properly and be zocheh b’din.
If we aren’t zocheh by the end of Rosh Hashanah, we can achieve kapparah on Yom Kippur. When we utilize the day properly, as explained above, we’re different people at Ne’ilah than we were coming into Kol Nidrei. If, by the time Yom Kippur is ending, we have a stronger desire to be closer to Hashem, we have accomplished our avodah.
Who am I fooling?
The mitzvos of Yom Kippur tell us that on this day, we’re like malachim.
We all know that we’re going to make mistakes in the year ahead. Who are we fooling by acting like malachim on this one holy day?
Hashem doesn’t demand perfection. He doesn’t expect us to maintain the level of malachim all year long. Our job is to experience Yom Kippur on a higher plane, discovering who we truly are and who we want to become. All year, we’ll remember that we can be like malachim. Through our small kabbalos, we can strive to hold on to Yom Kippur all year.
The Manchester rosh yeshivah, Rav Segal, notes that at Ne’ilah, we feel something special that we don’t feel all year.
How can we hold onto this feeling?
“If someone makes a small kabbalah during Ne’ilah,” Rav Segal says, “then every time he follows through on it, he is, in essence, reliving Ne’ilah.”
With one attainable, tangible commitment, we can stay connected to Ne’ilah all year.
Of love and fear
Yom Kippur isn’t a question of yirah versus ahavah; it’s the harmony of both. The yirah of the day comes from ahavah.
When we experience Yom Kippur as a precious opportunity for closeness, yiras Shamayim takes on a different meaning. It isn’t a fear of punishment; it’s yiras haromemus. It’s the fear of losing our closeness with Hashem.
When we take action to hold onto the connection we feel on Yom Kippur, we can keep up a version of the taharah all twelve months of the year.
Understanding Yom Kippur: Insights and Practical Advice for Women
Before we address the questions that women submitted regarding Yom Kippur, let’s provide a general overview that may answer many of these concerns.
Hakadosh Baruch Hu, in His infinite wisdom and kindness, gave Klal Yisrael a special day for forgiveness—Yom Kippur. This is a time when anyone who sincerely does teshuvah can find a kapparah, regardless of their current level. He also provided a rule book to help us facilitate this teshuvah effectively. These guidelines include the five inuyim (prohibitions) we must observe, as well as various tefillos that can enhance our connection to Hashem during this time.
As we approach Yom Kippur, it’s important to keep a few key points in mind:
The nature of Yom Kippur
It’s common to feel apprehensive about Yom Kippur. Great gedolim throughout history have recognized the awe of this day. Many people worry that they may not be worthy or fear that the upcoming year will bring challenges.
While it’s true that Yom Kippur is the culmination of the Aseres Yemei Teshuvah and that our fate for the year is finalized during Ne’ilah, that isn’t the main reason of our fear. We see that the malachim, who have no fear of being judged, still tremble mightily during the Yamim Nora’im. This is because Hashem’s presence is especially close to us on these days. Closeness to Hashem certainly brings trembling, yet with it comes an uplifting joy. We’re elevated to such high madreigos during this time, much like the malachim, and we should focus on the closeness to Hashem during this time.
The importance of intent
While we follow the guidelines provided by the Torah and Chazal, such as fasting and the other inuyim, what matters most is fulfilling retzon Hashem—Hashem’s will. As the Gemara states, “Rachmana liba ba’i,” It’s our hearts that Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants. This doesn’t mean we can neglect our obligations but rather that our hearts and intentions must align with our actions. Especially on Yom Kippur when Hashem’s essence is so palpable, it’s crucial to engage with sincere devotion even while fulfilling our responsibilities at home.
Now, let’s address specific questions:
- Managing Yom Kippur as a busy mother
Many mothers express feelings of dread and inadequacy regarding their ability to engage in sufficient teshuvah and tefillah. It’s essential to reframe this experience. Remember that fulfilling the will of Hashem—whether by fasting, davening, or caring for your children—is something to take pride in.
A beautiful tefillah from the sefer Toras Yoledes from many years ago highlights that a woman who must eat on Yom Kippur due to childbirth says a tefillah that the very act of eating on Yom Kippur as is required of her should be the source of brachah and kapparah for her. This perspective can be empowering; caring for your family during Yom Kippur is a form of service to Hashem.
- Three key focus areas
1—Gratitude: Embrace the power of gratitude. There appears to be a contradiction in Chazal. The Gemara states that if someone claims that Hashem is a vatran—meaning that He lets things go—they put their life and survival at risk. Conversely, David Hamelech in Tehillim and many of the tefillos from the Anshei Knesses Hagedolah emphasize that Hashem gives us much more than we deserve. So which is it? If we say that Hakadosh Baruch Hu grants us gifts despite our shortcomings, is that a good thing or a bad one? Moreover, Chazal teach that when we acknowledge that Hashem gives us so much despite our unworthiness, He grants us even more success.
The answer lies in understanding the difference between the Gemara and Tehillim. The Gemara warns us that thinking that we can act improperly because Hashem doesn’t care is very dangerous, and you potentially forfeit your life by doing so. In contrast, David Hamelech is expressing his appreciation for the goodness Hashem bestows upon us even when we don’t deserve it. The key distinction here is appreciation: the more we express gratitude to Hashem, the more blessings we receive.
Isn’t Yom Kippur, while caring for our little ones, a perfect time to reflect on the goodness Hashem has granted us? This focus can lead to a transformative, even life-changing, experience. Reflecting on the blessings in your life, even while caring for children, can transform your Yom Kippur into a day of profound appreciation and connection.
2—The weight of responsibility: Recognize the immense role you play in shaping the future of Klal Yisrael. Your efforts in raising children who embody Torah values can have a lasting impact. We’re all familiar with the famous insight from Rabbi Yaakov Kaminetzky regarding the halachah that a woman who is unwell and must eat non-kosher foods should refrain from nursing her child. This is to avoid transmitting the negative effects of that food. This principle is illustrated by Moshe Rabbeinu, who refused to nurse from an Egyptian woman, as he believed that a mouth destined to speak to Hashem shouldn’t nurse from a non-Jewish woman.
Rabbi Kaminetzky posed an important question: How can we learn this from Moshe, the greatest navi who ever lived? Of course Moshe’s heart and mouth needed perfection so that later in life he would merit to speak face to face with Hashem! The answer, says Rav Kaminetzky, is that we must raise every child with the belief that they have the potential to be like Moshe. Only then will we experience true nachas from our children.
What an incredible thought! We must recognize the immense responsibility and potential that Hashem has placed in our hands. Additionally, we should remember that after we pass from this world, if we provide our children with proper chinuch, we’ll continue to benefit from all the Torah and mitzvos they fulfill throughout their lives. This perspective can make Yom Kippur a truly transformative experience and deepen your commitment to your role.
3—Personal growth: Use this time to reflect on your middos. Rabbi Yisrael Salanter emphasized that the greatest teshuvah can come from changing a single middah. Yom Kippur is an excellent opportunity to work on qualities such as patience and humility, especially during a day of fasting and introspection while caring for children.
In conclusion, the greatness of Yom Kippur is undeniable. Hashem invites us into His presence, and we can find spiritual growth in our unique circumstances, whether in shul or at home. Remember that every action taken with intention can bring you closer to Him.
As Rav Chatzkel Levenstein, the famous mashgiach, taught, a successful Yom Kippur is one where you undertake a small commitment and follow through for the year ahead.
May we all find strength and inspiration as we approach this greatest day of the year.
A Strategy for Effective Prayer
Yaakov Yosef Reinman
Prayer presents an intrinsic problem. The very act of prayer suggests two reshuyos, two spheres of interest—the Ribono Shel Olam’s and ours. When we ask Him to give us what we need, we’re saying, in effect, “Let’s make a deal. You give us what we need, and we’ll give you what You want.” The prayer is transactional. The focus is on what you need and want, and you’ll do what’s needed to get it.
The Zohar decries people who cry out in their prayers on Yom Kippur like dogs barking hav hav, gimme gimme, gimme this, gimme that. Give me parnassah, give me kapparah, give me life, inscribe me in the sefer hachaim. It’s all about me and mine. Such people, says the Zohar, are brazen like barking dogs. They should be praying for the return of the Shechinah to its proper place (Tikunei Zohar 6).
It’s not about us. It’s about Him. Baruch Elokeinu shebra’anu lichvodo. We were created to serve the Ribono Shel Olam. That’s the focus. Anything we need or want should only be to accommodate that purpose. The sefarim say that we should ask for our needs by emphasizing that it’s proper and honorable that the people who serve Him are healthy, well-fed, and safe.
Five berachos in Shemoneh Esrei end with the statement “for You are…” Selach lanu—For You are Forgiving. Re’eh ve’anyeinu—For you are the strong Redeemer. Refaeinu—For You are the Healer. Bareich aleinu—For You are the good Lord who blesses the years (even is some Ashkenaz versions). Shema koleinu—For You listen to prayers. These are the only five. In Atah chonein, for instance, we don’t conclude with You are the Giver of wisdom.
In these five berachos, we pray for our personal needs. Forgive us so that we shouldn’t be punished. Redeem us so that we shouldn’t be persecuted and oppressed. Heal us so that we shouldn’t be sick. Bless us so that we shouldn’t go hungry. Listen to our miscellaneous requests. Therefore, we emphasize that we aren’t like dogs barking hav hav. We’re asking You to give us these things in Your honor. When we ask for the wisdom to learn Torah, however, there’s no need to emphasize that we’re asking in His honor.
The purpose of prayer isn’t to get the things for which we pray. If that were so, why pray for them three times a day? The Ribono Shel Olam doesn’t forget by the evening what you asked for in the morning. He also isn’t susceptible to persistent nagging. The purpose is to impress in our own minds again and again and again that He’s the source of all blessings.
If we focus our prayers on the fulfillment of our needs, they’re still prayers, but they’re much less effective. Even if we stand before the Almighty like barking dogs, crying hav hav, gimme gimme, He hears our prayers, but He’s less inclined to grant them. If, however, we make our prayers an affirmation that He’s the source of all blessing, He’ll be much more inclined to give us what we need.
Accordingly, we shouldn’t be seeking ways to make our prayers effective. That would put the focus on ourselves. Rather, we should pray that the Ribono Shel Olam heals us in order to bring honor to His holy Name. We should pray that He heals us in order to impress on ourselves that He’s the Healer, and thereby, we’ll be serving Him.
But whom are we fooling? Is it realistic to expect people to pray in this manner? Perhaps it’s possible for people on an extremely high level, but most of us aren’t anywhere near that level. Most of us pray for blessings because we need them for ourselves, our families, and our communities. Are we doomed to be like brazen dogs barking hav hav?
Perhaps there’s a solution. The Gemara states in Berachos (20b) that women have a chiyuv, an obligation, to pray, since they need rachamim just as men do. There are various opinions regarding why we might have thought the obligation to pray wasn’t imposed on women as well as on men, but that’s a discussion for a different time. The question that concerns us here is rather why Chazal saw fit to impose on women an obligation to pray. Why couldn’t it be voluntary? If they need rachamim, they’re always free to pray.
Apparently, obligatory prayers are more effective than voluntary prayers. When you tell the Ribono Shel Olam that you’re praying because His Torah commands you to pray, that otherwise you wouldn’t be praying, then you’re no longer like a dog barking hav hav. You aren’t trying to fool anyone, because it’s the truth! If you weren’t obligated to be in shul on Yom Kippur, where would you be? Maybe learning in the beis medrash. Maybe working in your office. Maybe cooking in the kitchen. Maybe playing golf or anything else. But you wouldn’t be in shul, and you wouldn’t be praying. Therefore, when you are praying in shul, it’s clearly for His honor and not because of your personal needs.
If, in your own mind, you tell yourself that you have to be in shul and you want to take this opportunity to get all the stuff you need, you’d be like a dog barking hav hav. But if you recognize and acknowledge that you’re in shul by obligation, then your prayers are instantly elevated to a higher level.
Whenever you’re praying, whether on Yom Kippur or on any other day, the best strategy is to say, at least in your mind, “Hineni muchan u’mezuman lekayeim mitzvas Bor’i—Here I am, ready and prepared to perform my Creator’s commandment to pray to Him.” Say it and believe it because it’s the truth. If you pray with that awareness, your prayers will undoubtedly be more effective.
Rabbi Reinman’s website, www.rabbireinman.com, makes available for exploration his many sefarim, books, and video presentations, including The Destiny Project world history series, which can also be viewed on TorahAnytime.
Sidebar: Select halachos for women
- Although many women don’t do hataras nedarim, relying on their husbands to do it for them, asking mechilah from their parents, their husband, and anyone they feel they might have slighted is recommended.
- Although most women don’t go to shul on Yom Kippur night, they should still make sure to finish eating at least several minutes before shkiah to be mikayem tosfos Yom Kippur.
- Most woman light neiros for Yom Kippur with a shehechiyanu. If they make a shehechiyanu and they go to shul, they shouldn’t make a shehechiyanu before Maariv when the men recite it.
- When a woman lights neiros, she must make sure not to wear leather shoes.
- Women who aren’t able to daven on Yom Kippur should make sure to say vidui at least once.
- For women davening at home, the order of importance is first Shacharis, then Minchah, and finally Ne’ilah and Mussaf.
- Women davening at home who want to say the Yud Gimmel Middos must say it the way we lein it in the Torah.
- Women davening at home don’t need to hear shofar after Ne’ilah.
- Women who don’t want to wait for their husbands or fathers to make Havdalah can make their own Havdalah (the brachah on ner is not required) in order to eat. If they really don’t want to make Havdalah, they can drink before the men make Havdalah. If they’re hungry, they can eat too. Of course, they must recite Hamavdil before they eat or drink.