Rav Matisyahu’s words offer nechama,  25 years after the tragic summer when he shared them. 

What is nechamah?

May the Omnipresent comfort us amid the remnant of the mourners of Tzion and Yerushalayim. In our gathering tonight we are united in distress, we all feel personally affected by a common tragedy. As a community, we all feel the need to be comforted. So, we say in a prayer, “May the Omnipresent comfort us amid the remnant of the mourners of Tzion and Yerushalayim.” When we say this prayer to a mourner, we are telling him that we are with him in his time of sorrow. However, if we look carefully at the wording of the prayer, it seems as if we are thrusting comfort aside! It appears as if we are saying, “If it won’t be among the mourners of Tzion and Yerushalayim, then it will not be called comfort.” In fact, though, we are saying: “I am not comforting you individually, but rather amid the mourners of Tzion and Yerushalayim; this is the only true comfort. And as the Almighty comforts the mourners of Tzion and Yerushalayim, may He also comfort you.”

In the atmosphere of tragedy and loss that brought us together we wish to find true comfort. It is, therefore, imperative that we understand what nechamah means; it is not what we typically understand the words to be, which is “comfort” or “consolation.” Rather, it means something entirely different. At the end of Parshas Bereishis, we find that Hashem was “yinachem” that He created man. The word yinachem has the same root as nechamah. Yet, here, according to Rashi, it means that Hashem regretted what He had done. We see this is Rashi’s explanation. In that case, we see that the Almighty had a change of heart, switching from the Attribute of Mercy to that of Strict Justice. Rashi quotes several other examples of this as well. We see from here that the connotation of nechamah is a change of thought and heart.

Therefore, when a person is in sorrow, you give him nechamah; that is, you change his sorrow into something else. That “something else,” that “change of heart,” enables him to accept his pain and loss. He can now begin to see the situation as constructive instead of destructive.

Speaking about the future destruction of the Beis Hamikdash, the prophet Yeshayahu came to the Jewish people and said (Yeshayahu 40:1), “Be comforted, be comforted My people, says your G-d. Speak consolingly to the heart of Yerushalayim and proclaim to her that her period [of exile] has been completed; that her iniquity has been forgiven, for she has received double for all her sins from the hand of Hashem.” The “heart of Yerushalayim” refers to the Jewish people; the prophet wishes to speak words of comfort to them. One might ask: What words of comfort could possibly console a nation, that, since the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash has suffered an unending series of untold calamities? Furthermore, why is Israel consoled doubly, “Be comforted, be comforted”?

We can answer as follows: Exile is a situation of pain ad suffering, of destruction and darkness. If we do not know the purpose of exile, we cannot help but see it in a very negative light. The prophets were sent to explain to us the reasons for our exile, and the benefits to be derived from it. Exile is the best situation we could hope for, since it enables us to enjoy that which Hashem plans for our future. It can be compared to an operation, which although it may hurt, is ultimately beneficial, for it removes a malignancy and lets a person gain his health and live. As a result of the “surgery,” we will be able to delight in everything Hashem has prepared for us in His world.

The darkness is the whole reason for the light. If we can internalize this lesson, we can be happy in the midst of our bitter exile, knowing that it will bring us and the whole world to perfection.

Of course, we are still left with a question: This may explain the phenomenon of exile, but why does it have to be so exceedingly difficult and painful? In answer to this, Hashem sent prophets to explain to the Jewish people that only with the advent of Mashiach will each and every person comprehend why they suffered. Only then will we be comforted, for only then will the true picture behind everything emerge. This is the reason for the double consolation of the Jewish people, “Be comforted, be comforted, My people.” It represents two different types of consolation. The first is that even though it is necessary to suffer the yoke of exile, nonetheless, we will have the strength to bear it. This must be so, for it is a remedy that is sent to heal us from our malady, because the Almighty is the Good One Who performs good, and He alone knows what is truly beneficial for us. The second consolation awaits the advent of Mashiach, when we will truly be comforted: “You will say on that day: ‘I thank You, Hashem, for You were angry with me, and now Your wrath has subsided and You have comforted me.’ “After the advent of the Messianic era, we will understand the purpose of all the suffering and behold the reward given to those who suffered. We will then thank Hashem for having been angry with us, and we will be comforted.

Now is not the time to seek explanations for our suffering, since we are still in exile. Yes, we are in pain—but although we are in pain, we stand united in our distress. After so many years of exile, we still feel bound together as one family, and keenly feel the loss of even one member. This provides the reason for a very powerful prayer: May the Almighty see how holy we are, for one of us has been struck and we all join together as one. Yes, we truly feel the pain! How amazing this is! Is there a sanctification of Hashem’s Name greater than this? After all we have been through throughout the centuries, we still come together as one.

 

Death is not a loss, it is a separation

How are we to understand this situation from a Torah perspective? The Torah tells us, “You are children to Hashem, your G-d, do not cut yourselves [in anguish], do not put a bald spot between your eyes for the dead.” We are prohibited by the Torah from expressing extreme grief, “for you are a holy people to Hashem, your G-d. You did He choose to be a treasured people among all the nations of the earth.”

The Rishonim explain the words, “You are children to Hashem, your G-d,’’ in light of another verse (Devarim 8:5): “Just as a father will chastise his son, so Hashem, your G-d, chastises you.” Hashem is our Father. He brought this child into this world, and He also took this child away from it. The loving-kindness and affection that the Almighty feels for us is the same when He gives life as when He takes it away.

In his commentary on the verse (Devarim 14:1), “Do not put a bald spot between your eyes for the dead, for you are a holy people,” the Sforno writes “…and you should not grieve excessively at the harsh fate of the deceased, for you are a holy people destined for eternal life in the World to Come, where one moment of tranquility is worth more than all the life in This World.’’ We know that This World is just a corridor to the World to Come, for we a holy people to Hashem. We are not living for life in this world, but for life in the Next One.

On the same verse, the Rambam writes as follows: “In my opinion the Torah mentions ‘a holy people’ [in this context] as a promise for [continued] spiritual existence before Hashem, [thereby] saying , ‘Since you are a holy and treasured nation to Hashem , and He will not allow a single soul to be lost, it is not fitting that you lacerate yourselves and pull out your hair [in mourning] for the deceased, even if he died in his youth.’ [The Torah] however, does not prohibit crying, since this is a purely natural reaction when faced with the departure of a loved one…the Talmud’s prohibition against excessive mourning (Moed Katan 27b) is based on this verse.” Indeed, when a mother sees her son or daughter off to the airport to attend a seminary or yeshivah overseas, she cries her heart out over the separation. If a friend were to see her, she would ask in alarm, “Did something bad happen to make you cry so much?” the mother would answer, “No, baruch Hashem nothing is wrong; the opposite is true: I am the happiest person alive. I’m sending my son off to study in yeshivah, and my daughter to seminary!” Why, then, is she crying? Because the child is leaving her.

Excessive mourning is prohibited since it would seem to indicate that something very tragic has happened to the departed soul. And this is not true. Crying, however, is only natural when confronted with the departure of a loved one. The crying is due to the “separation” of a loved one, and is not due to a sense of “loss,” since we know that the soul is not lost.

We should know that in the Next World, the departed soul of the infant is waiting to meet its parents one day. Can you imagine a greater joy?! We constantly worry about how we are going to bring our children to the World to Come in a state of sanctity and purity. But when a baby dies, the parents know for sure that he or she died in a state of purity. From this fact, they should draw comfort.

I saw the following words in a letter that the Chofetz Chaim wrote to a friend who lost his son: “This sorrow results from the Exile. Every great Torah leader has suffered the loss of children. When my son died, I said, ‘I hope we will not embarrass him when we meet him in the World to Come—for he is a pure soul, and as for me, who am I? What will I be? Will I also be a pure soul?” This is what the Chofetz Chaim thought of in his time of sorrow: Who is the man that can be proud? The one who has a son who is pure and holy for all of eternity.

This Torah insight into the meaning of life is also part of the consolation. This World is a temporary one, a corridor we have to go through to reach the World to Come. When we arrive at the realization that man is essentially spiritual in nature and that our prime concern is the purity of the soul, we can then see the present situation as an act of loving-kindness on the Almighty’s part.

 

Guarding sanctity and modesty

If we have all understood what it means “united in distress “and what “nechamah” (comfort) really means, we should be able to reach new heights in our own avodas Hashem. More than this, we should be able to ensure that our children will arrive in the World to Come in a state of purity akin to when they entered this world. If we leave this gathering without being affected, it will be a stain on us. We are beset with so many problems, but there is much that we can do. First of all, we must pray and beseech the Almighty to guard us, for without His protection, everything we try will fail, as it says (Tehillim 127:1), “If Hashem does not guard the city, then the watchmen guard in vain.’’

In the Tachanun prayer we say, “O Guardian of Israel, protect the remnant of Israel; let not Israel be destroyed—those who proclaim, “Hear O Israel.” We then continue: “O Guardian of the unique people, protect the remnant of the unique people; let not the unique nation be destroyed—those who proclaim threefold sanctifications to the Holy One.” When we come before Hashem to ask for protection, we mention three reasons through the merit of which we request His protection: “Hear O Israel,” “Hashem is our G-d, Hashem is one,” and our inherent holiness as His holy nation.

Hear O Israel: On the surface, this declaration is simply the acceptance of the yoke of Heaven. With regard to protection, however it reflects the unity of the Jewish People. Each Jew says to his fellow: “We need to say ‘Hear O Israel’ together.” The acknowledgment of the unity of Israel arouses the protection of the Almighty such that He says, “I am the Guardian of the Congregation of Israel”—of Jews who acknowledge that they are part of the congregation.

The Guardian of the unique nation: We must live with the faith that “Hashem is our G-d, Hashem is one,” and that whatever happens in our lives, whether we see it as bitter or sweet, is in fact good, for no evil directive proceeds forth from Hashem, since “Hashem” (the Attribute of Mercy) and “Our G-d” (the Attribute of Strict Justice) “is One.” Belief in the oneness of Hashem is an essential prerequisite for the receiving of Divine protection.

The Guardian of the Holy Nation: The Torah states (Devarim 7:6) “For you are a holy nation to your G-d.” this is a reference to the world to come; if we live for the World to Come, the Almighty will protect us. However, a person cannot acquire the World to come unless he is holy. One of the most important aspects of holiness is modesty and proper conduct in our private lives. Without these things, it is impossible to attain sanctity, as demonstrated by the verse (Devarim 23:15), “For Hashem, your G-d, walks in the midst of your camp… so your camp should be holy, so that He will not see a shameful thing among you and turn away from you.” Where there is a lack of modesty, the Divine Presence withdraws.

In the Thanksgiving (Modim) blessing of the Amidah (Silent Prayer), we beseech Hashem: “Bless us, our Father, all of us as one, with the light of your Countenance.” When we are united, Hashem blesses us with the light of His countenance, but only when “He will not see a shameful thing among you and turn away from you.”

Reprinted with permission from Don’t Give Up by Rabbi Leib Pinter (Artscroll 2004)