As parents and sons prepare for mesivta application season, Rabbi Raful offers insight on bringing out the best in each bachur at the farher and beyond.

Legendary mechanech and menahel of Lakewood’s Yeshivat Or Hachaim, Rabbi Yoni Raful is not one to beat around the bush. With his unmistakable Brooklyn accent adding warmth and authenticity to every word, he immediately dives into the heart of the conversation—mesivta acceptance—with passion and clarity. His candid yet upbeat demeanor sets the tone for a truly engaging discussion.

“While it’s understandable to feel that the system can be challenging or imperfect,” he tells me, “the reality is that we live in Lakewood, a large community with over 1,800 eighth graders, and this is how things are currently structured. The roshei yeshivah and menahelim have dedicated significant effort to improving the system, and at this point, it’s important to work within the framework as it is. On our end as parents, it all starts and ends with tefillah and siyata d’Shmaya.”

Phase 1: Be prepared

Acceptance, accelerated

A two-year-old shift is changing the face of farhers and their response times.

“As planned so far, this year, like last year, all bechinos will happen in one day, yud gimmel Shevat,” Rabbi Raful explains. “A lot is discussed beforehand. Mesivtas rely on rebbe’im to give honest, objective information about their students. Of course, the boy has to live up to the reports at the bechinah. Get on board with your son’s yeshivah—the earlier the better. Hear from the rebbi where he feels your son is holding and work to come to an agreement.

At least two weeks before bechinos, discuss with the rebbi and come down to two yeshivos you can agree on.

On the topic of working with the cheder, “Try to work with the mesivtas that your cheder has a connection with.

“With over 50 local mesivtas, it’s impossible for a menahel to have a relationship with all of them. Each menahel usually works with about 20 mesivtas. As the cheder and mesivta build a trusting relationship, the menahel gains more ability to place boys in those schools.”

Another outgrowth of the much-accelerated process is that parents must have clarity on their first and second choices going into farher day.

Rabbi Raful advises parents, “Resist the urge to run around to a bunch of different bechinos. Ask your son’s rebbi which yeshivos he recommends and get on board with a couple of them. The number of bechinos I recommend is two, maximum three. Any more than that is way too much pressure.”

Their best selves

“It’s not just about how much they know; mesivtas are looking at the overall bachur,” Rabbi Raful emphasizes. “They want the wholesome bachur, someone who’s me’urav bein habriyos. They ask, ‘Does he respect the hanhalah, or is he a feifer? Is he going to lead the macha’os, or is he a rebbi pleaser?’

“It’s not purely about mastery of the material as much as how he expresses himself, how he explains things, how he carries himself, his ne’imus…the whole package.”

Farhers tend to last no more than five to ten minutes each. In that short time, roshei yeshivah pick up on all of it.

For a boy who needs it, Rabbi Raful advises parents to hire a chavrusa who can prepare their son for the farher. “Spend that money. I know that in today’s economy, it’s no easy thing, but for a boy who struggles, it’s worth getting professional help. Ask your menahel who does a good job. The right chavrusa will prepare your son not just with the material but with how to present it, how to answer a question, how to walk into a farher and not freeze up with stage fright. Keep in mind that this is a process—don’t start two weeks before farhers.”

It starts years before

Of course, getting into the best mesivta for your son’s growth is a process that starts long before midwinter of eighth grade.

“If you want your son to shoot high for mesivta, start working on it in mid-elementary school. Find out how he’s doing. Ask his rebbi what interventions could help him succeed. Whether he needs support in kriah, comprehension, or social skills, there’s so much help available in Lakewood.”

A boy was performing at an average level in class. But based on his abilities, he should have been excelling. At the PTA meeting, his parents inquired about his progress, and based on the rebbi’s response, it was obvious that the boy wasn’t living up to his potential.

They followed up with the rebbi, who explained, “He’s doing well, but he could be achieving much more. He’s lacking achrayus, isn’t fully engaged, and I can tell from his class responses that he’s not chazering properly.”

“These parents were smart. They made sure to find out how their son was doing, and once they were filled in, they got on top of his progress. Now, the boy is shteiging,” says Rabbi Raful.

Chazarah, chazarah

To prepare their boys for farhers, Rabbi Raful tests two eighth graders individually each day on every amud.

“It’s voluntary but mandatory,” he explains. “The boys sign up for the tests, they’re rewarded, and everyone gets involved. If a boy isn’t ready to be tested, I tell him to come in and we’ll just schmooze about the amud. My goal is to show them how much they know, and eventually, they feel ready for the standard tests.” These one-on-one bechinos are graded, and the average mark appears on the boys’ report cards. “This way, from the beginning, the parents know exactly where their son is holding.”

There are also grade-wide bechinos and weekly and nightly chazarah programs.

“Don’t wait until crunch time. Constant chazarah is essential. Every Shabbos, your son should be chazering the material from the beginning of the year. Every night, he should chazer from the beginning of the mesechta. Constant, consistent chazarah keeps everything fresh in their minds.”

Phase 2: Getting in

Accept, embrace, accommodate

“Parents have to be realistic. To shoot from lower tier performance in elementary school to an upper tier mesivta is way too much for a boy. Boys are under enough pressure already; adding more will only cause resentment.”

Rabbi Raful’s advice is to accept where your son is holding, be happy with it and proud of him, and work with him where he’s at. “Realize that there are over 50 mesivtas in Lakewood to cater to every type of boy. There’s absolutely nothing to worry about.”

According to his style

In the menahel’s view, it’s more important to find a fit for your child’s style than to focus only on the top level.

“Consider things like class size. Coming from a cheder class of 25, can your son handle having 40 classmates? Does he need a hands-on, attentive rebbi, or is the beis medrash style of learning better suited for him? Try to understand the style of each mesivta and send your child to one that matches their personality and needs. It’s so important to know where your son will fit best.

“I tell parents to go down to the mesivta to see it in action, talk to the staff, and get a feel of what it’s like.”

When a talmid was accepted to three yeshivos (back in the day when parents had time to deliberate and make a decision), Rabbi Raful suggested that the father visit all three.

“The father called me an hour later and said, ‘I know exactly where I want my son to go.’ The boy is now in 12th grade, and he’s shining. There’s so much you can learn from seeing a place in real time.”

And finally, “Many newer mesivtas are doing phenomenal work. The talent they’re bringing in is incredible, and these schools are quickly becoming known for their excellence. It’s often worth considering some of the newer options even if they aren’t yet ‘brand name.’”

“It doesn’t have to be your son”

“When a student was accepted to all the mesivtas he applied to, including one top-tier place, I called the rosh yeshivah of the brand name one and asked, ‘Where will this boy be in his shiur?’

“‘He’ll be from the bottom eight,’ he told me, ‘But we want him. He’s a beautiful bachur.’ I told the parents not to send him there. Why put him at the bottom?”

The menahel explains his reasoning. “In elementary school, you can have all types and levels in a class. But in mesivta, it’s hard enough to keep up with the shiur and the competition, even at the top of the class. I always recommend that parents ensure their son is in the top half of his mesivta class. We want to keep the boys’ confidence in their abilities—that’s the main thing.”

As Rav Shmuel Kamenetzky once said, “There always has to be a youngest in the class. But it doesn’t have to be your son.”

The price of overshooting

“Be careful not to overshoot,” Rabbi Raful warns. If things don’t work out, switching schools between 9th and 10th grade, especially for those moving from a higher level to lower tier place, is a very, very hard thing to do. Parents need to be aware of the risks.

“There’s so much change in mesivta—new friends, a much more intense schedule, the pressure to finish a mesechta. We need to have rachmanus on the kids. It’s not about the name. The most important thing is that the kids feel successful and happy.”

The boys themselves often want to go to the top-tier mesivtas because that’s what everyone is hocking about.

“One boy came to me dead set on going to an alef, beis medrash-style mesivta. He said, ‘Don’t worry about me. I’ll handle it; I’ll be fine.’ In later years, he called me. He felt lost there; he didn’t feel connected to the yeshivah. I had to tear down walls to get him accepted into a different yeshivah. That boy is flying high today.”

The fit factor

Rabbi Raful feels that this tip is critical: When you’re wondering if your son will get accepted, a good idea is to consider who else from the class is applying. “Sought after mesivtas typically take about two boys per class. If your son doesn’t rank among the top boys in his class applying to that mesivta, his acceptance chances are low. Ask his rebbi where he has the best chance based on the class dynamics.”

Sometimes parents try to push their child into a certain yeshivah. Realize that even if your child does get in, if it’s not the right fit, it will come back to bite you.

For example, “A lower level and higher level boy were once both applying, and I was surprised when the yeshivah chose the lower level learner. The following year, the rosh yeshivah came back to me complaining that the boy didn’t fit into the yeshivah.”

On that note, “If you have pull at a yeshivah, use it, but don’t overdo it. If you see there’s pushback, it’s a sign that it’s probably not going to work. So don’t keep fighting it—if it’s not happening, let it go. If your child does get in, it’s usually toward the bottom of the list. There’s a reason they’re saying no, and most of the time, at the end of the day, it’s for your child’s own good.”

In the end, it’s better to make sure your son is placed in a yeshivah that truly suits him, even if it’s not the brand name.

Talking mesivtas

On discussing mesivtas, “First of all, never, ever knock a yeshivah in front of your child. He might end up there—it might be the best place for him—and he deserves to feel good about where he’s going.”

If we wouldn’t judge and rate and label mesivtas, Rabbi Raful believes, people would be so much more comfortable going to the mesivta they belong in.

“In Or Hachaim, we have a kabbalah that the boys aren’t allowed to talk about mesivtas until everyone is accepted. There’s a paper hanging in the classrooms and every eighth grader signs that they won’t discuss the topic until then. This eases so much of the pressure.”

When finding out about a mosad, first-hand experience is helpful—to a degree. “Ask a rav, relative, or friend about the place, but keep in mind that everyone has their own experiences. There are so many factors at play. This one’s son wasn’t a good fit; that one had a hard time adjusting or didn’t connect with the rebbi. Don’t make a decision based on one limited perspective.”

The 15-year-old bar mitzvah

“The mesivta process gives boys a boost in many ways,” Rabbi Raful says. “It engenders a sense of achrayus and motivation, and we see that from September to January, the boys really shteig to a whole new level. They take life more seriously, including davening and learning. They take ownership of their own success, and it’s a very healthy thing.”

That said, some boys aren’t mature enough to take the process seriously, or they can get overwhelmed and feel like throwing in the towel because they’re just not ready.

“I tell parents, some boys become bar mitzvah at 13, others need until 15 or 16. We can’t rush the process. There are mesivtas that are a better fit for these boys. They’ll start to shine in 10th or 11th grade and finally taste success. Success breeds success. There’s no need to worry.”

However, unreadiness sometimes stems from something deeper.

“There’s often an underlying issue that could have been addressed years earlier, whether it’s a kriah problem, intervention need, emotional difficulty, or social issue. And it’s a shame. But you need to work with the child where they are today, in eighth grade. You can’t throw 200 bricks at them all at once.”

At the end of the day, it’s all about working with the child where he is and bringing out his inner greatness.

Sidebar:

On chinuch

How can we bring out the best in a boy?

“Start with confidence” is Rabbi Raful’s modus operandi. “Show them what they know. Show them how capable they are. The key to chinuch is bringing out a child’s best qualities.”

One suggestion is to find him a chavrusa who’s a good fit. “It’s not just for scholastic reasons. A good chavrusa can empower your son and show him what he knows, not what he doesn’t.”

Sometimes, you can adjust the bechinah without others knowing so that the child can feel successful and eventually aim higher.

“Specific compliments go a long way. They need to hear the nuances, praise that reflects their individual strengths, not a generic, ‘You’re doing great.’

“I once had a boy who scored lower than his classmates on a big bechinah. He came into my office and said, ‘I did so badly; everyone else got much higher marks.’ I told him, ‘What are you talking about? You’re shteiging so much! You did fantastic!’ and gave him a chocolate bar. He was looking for assurance. Sometimes kids just need that affirmation, even if they haven’t fully earned it yet.”

What should I do if my son is very intense and perfectionistic?

In general, Rabbi Raful feels that the biggest obstacle to kids thriving is a lack of self-confidence.

“If a child is overly intense, his parents and mechanchim need to keep showing him, ‘We believe in you; we’re proud of you; you’re enough the way you are.’

“If it stems from anxiety, he might need therapy. I’ve seen unbelievable results when kids get the professional help they need. In Lakewood, the therapists are incredible, and there’s no shame in seeking professional help if a child needs it. If medication is necessary, it’s also not the end of the world. It can actually be a game changer for some kids. Don’t worry about shidduchim. I have yet to get a shidduch call asking whether the boy was on medication in cheder.”

How should I handle it when I don’t agree with the school’s decisions?

When the home and yeshivah are on the same page, the child is much more likely to succeed.

“The biggest issues arise when the parents, rebbi, and menahel aren’t on the same page. Kids can feel when there’s disagreement, and they take it to the bank. Even if we disagree, it’s important to have those conversations and come to a happy medium. Whether it’s about intervention, support, or any other issue, working together as a team usually solves 90 percent of the problems.”

When it’s difficult to reach an agreement, “I try to get a case manager or the family rav involved to form a bridge between the parents and yeshivah. The family trusts their rav and the school is always happy to work with rabbanim, so this can be very helpful.”