Articles

From School Refusal to School Belonging

January 16, 2025

Avraham Leffler

School refusal.

The mere mention of these two words is enough to cause anxiety in even the hardiest of souls. And to some extent, it’s for good reason. School is very important, but there are stressors. When a child refuses to go to school, the parents are understandably unsure of what to do, which leaves them searching for options.

In this article, I’m going to list some specific ideas to use. I’m going to share some thoughts of what I would do in a session with a child refusing to go to school, what parents can try, and what the school’s role is. Let’s do it!

Parents’ role

Let’s start with the role of parents. Let’s assume the parents have already tried talking with their child. They probably already upped the ante at this point and said something like, “Oh yes, you’re going to school!” While well-intentioned and understandable, it may be helpful to take a step back and examine the situation.

Conventional wisdom is that we always want a child in school. The longer they’re out, the harder it is for them to return. Even in cases of bullying. (Of course, in an extreme case, the school and parents must ensure it’s a safe environment and the poor child isn’t being sent to a battle zone and being severely traumatized on a daily basis! If that’s the case, all bets are off.)

If a child is refusing to go to school, it’s usually for a reason, and very often it’s for a good reason, such as when the child is very anxious. They’re scared! So trying to coerce them to go will likely just result in a power struggle and not be effective at all.

First, normalize it. There will be some hard mornings! Not everything is an issue or a mental health disorder. Your child may just need a little extra attention or TLC or some extra help getting dressed. And that can work wonders. But if still persists, read on.

Here’s a step-by-step guideline on how to handle it.

1. If a child says they don’t want to go to school, pay attention to their tone and affect. Does it sound like they’re just in the mood of a day off or testing you, or do they sound scared, agitated, and terrified? If they’re testing you, be strong yet calm.

Validate! “Sure, it makes sense to want a break or to take off sometimes.” But also be clear and firm and say something like, “Not happening, mister! There are only three more days until Shabbos, and then you’ll get a nice break!” That will usually be enough to get them going.

If they seem very unsettled and scared and refuse to budge, that’s when it starts to get real. That leads us to step two.

2. Pause. Listen to them. Validate them and their emotions. Don’t pressure them. Give them some time and space. Encourage them to express themself. Be okay if they can’t.

Encourage them to try to go with a more dialectical approach. In other words, say something like, “It sounds like it’s really hard for you to go! There must be a really good reason. And if you’re still able to be brave and go, that would be amazing. And then we can problem solve when you get home.”

Just the fact that you’re engaged, that you get them, that you’re on their team and that you’re not engaging in a power struggle goes a long way. If offering an incentive helps, do it! It’s surely way easier than having him miss school for a month and then offering an incentive.

However, if this doesn’t work, and it may not, you may have to consider professional intervention.

The session

I’m going to offer you an inside glimpse of my therapy room and what the work may look like in this case. Let’s take a little peek!

Session one. Rapport building and discussing goals. The last thing I’m going to do is make a big deal about school or implying I’ll be “forcing” him to attend school. However, I will convey that I know that’s why he’s coming to me or that that’s one of the reasons he is coming to me.

Possible ways I may consider doing this: Getting to know the child with geshmak, easy-going conversation. “Hey, what school do you go to? Is there anything you like about school? Recess? Great! Is there anything you don’t like about school?” Boom. Very often they’ll already express it right then and there. Often, it’s anxiety, bullying, or similar. Then the work starts. We spend a few sessions on skill-building, working on emotions, problem solving, and very often the child is back in school in no time.

Another way I often start one of the first couple of sessions is by discussing emotions, identifying emotions, and rating them on an “emotions thermometer.” We explain to the client that just like when our temperature is taken, sometimes it’s hot, which means a fever, and sometimes it isn’t and there’s no fever, the same thing is with our emotions. Emotions aren’t always the same intensity. A situation may occur, and we react as if it’s a nine on the emotional thermometer, but we’re overreacting. A more appropriate response would be a four! And then I’ll ask for examples of situations and emotions, and likely, school will come up.

These are both low-pressure ways to initiate the topic while not avoiding it. And this all takes place in the first session or two! Then, working on the issue is no different than any other issue. It’s the same as if the child had come for anxiety work (identify, validate, logic, “talk back” to anxiety, problem solve, change relationship with anxiety, etc.)

And yes, dear parents, you can try this at home too. And it may work! But very often, a neutral setting with an experienced therapist yields better results.

School’s role

I find that most schools are great. They work hard at trying to figure out the issue, accommodate the child within reason, and work with the parents and therapist. They try not to be heavy-handed and are calm and collaborative. One thing the school staff can do is greet the kid with a warm greeting. It can be the teacher, principal, or even secretary. For some kids, being welcomed or receiving an extra smile can do wonders and give them a sense of belonging.

School refusal is a challenging issue that can be very stressful for the parents and the child. But with patience, calmness, and problem solving, and certainly not with engaging in a power struggle with the kid, resolving the issue is a very real possibility.

The author thanks Dvora Phillip MS BCBA for her added insights.