Tu B’Shevat heralds the defrosting of BMG’s famed freezer and fresh opportunities for recent (and not-so-recent) seminary graduates eagerly awaiting the marriage milestone. But as girls plunge deeper into the real world of the workforce, educational courses, and the unknowns of shidduchim, eagerness can morph into angst. For the girls who don’t get married during that first (or second, or third) post-school year, the challenges of uncertainty are universal, but so are many of the benefits. These early years of singlehood are a precious time for young women to build themselves, nurture their dreams, and grow into the next stage of life.

Introduction

Fresh out of Eretz Yisrael and floating on clouds of idealism, Rena expected to follow the typical trajectory of engagement and marriage, all in short order. When one year turned into two with no chuppah in sight, Rena realized she couldn’t live her life in limbo, waiting for a future that wasn’t materializing as quickly as she’d dreamed. Pivoting from an ill-suited job, she took courses, volunteered, and built a strong network of support.

“It wasn’t what I’d planned, but it was everything I needed,” says Rena about the four years between seminary and her wedding.

Bracha is still waiting. “It’s not easy watching everyone move ahead while I’m at a standstill. But I remind myself that I’m not standing still. I’m using this time,” she says.

Rena and Bracha are two out of thousands of girls in their early-to-mid-twenties, hopeful young women waiting for the future while embracing the challenges and opportunities of the present.

Seeds of struggle

“Klal Yisrael has blossomed,” Mrs. Sara Eisemann explains. An experienced dating coach from Detroit, she’s seen the growth. “The numbers are higher, there are more girls in shidduchim every year, and this stage has its challenges.”

For a large percentage of girls, the hardest part of the parshah is the uncertainty.

Rena recalls long months with no dates and late-night hours wondering if she would ever get married. “If I’d known I was getting married at 24, I would have calmed down, but of course, no one knows. Even more than the actual logistics of dating, the emotional challenges were what made me so anxious.”

Bracha agrees. She speaks about months with no phone calls, feeling abandoned as she waits for the phone to ring, the hope for even a casual idea from an acquaintance. It didn’t help that during her longest dry spell since beginning shidduchim, her best friend and younger cousin got engaged two months after returning from seminary.

“I’ve lost touch with so many friends because it’s hard to keep up a relationship when you’re newly married. I understand that,” she says wistfully. “But my cousin and I were so close—and now this little girl is also getting married and leaving me behind.” Her voice is raw.

There’s also the knowledge that they’re not fitting into society’s norms, the sense that other people are scrutinizing them with pity.

“A lot of it was in my mind,” Rena admits. “When you’re sensitive about something, you think everyone else is thinking about it too.” But she also avoided the less-than-tactful people who invariably sighed and commented on her single state (ending with a loud “im yirtzeh Hashem by you”).

Both girls have friends who are already married for a few years, many of whom have one, two, or even three children. Not comparing their own situation is a constant struggle. Even though Rena is married, she explains that she often feels an urgent need to catch up, which she tries to suppress. Bracha focuses on not feeling stuck and on seeing the forward trajectory of her own life.

Knowing that each stage of life is where we’re meant to be is crucial—but not always simple.

Practical pruning

The emotional challenges associated with waiting aren’t easy, but practical logistics also complicate matters. Family dynamics, a lack of structure for learning and growth, and the battle against material distractions can take a toll.

“There’s this feeling among many girls that life is a race,” Monsey-based shadchan Mrs. Sari Baum comments. This manifests itself most clearly in families with a pileup of siblings waiting to get married.

Rena is the oldest, but her next sister went to seminary the year after she did, and her third sister went to Eretz Yisrael the year after that. “Having two younger sisters right after me was very stressful,” she says candidly. “I had nightmares that they would get married first and I would be that older sibling plastering a smile on my face at the l’chaim, vort, wedding, pidyon haben…” her voice trails off. “It didn’t happen that way, but one of my sisters-in-law was skipped by three siblings, and it was a hard situation for everyone. My in-laws couldn’t wholeheartedly enjoy any simchah until she got married.”

Bracha has the opposite problem as the tagalong baby sister of many married siblings (she’s the youngest of 13) all hovering and nixing most suggestions before her mother even has a chance to check them out.

“I have four brothers in Lakewood,” she explains. “They always tell me they want to marry me off more than I want to get married—but the boy has to be good enough.”

Just as difficult as family dynamics is the lack of structure. While most post-seminary girls enter the workforce, take courses, or complete degrees and are extremely busy, the typical school structure that effortlessly delivers a daily dose of ruchniyus is no longer a part of their lives.

“We can’t lose sight of the 16 or 17 years invested in our chinuch,” says Rebbetzin Dina Fink, who took the initiative to combat this issue. “At every stage, it’s crucial to stay connected to our spiritual goals.”

It took Rena two years to tune into the emptiness she felt beneath her hectic days and finally begin attending a weekly shiur, and it completely transformed her life, infusing it with the meaning she craved. Bracha learns on the phone with a friend every week, goes to various shiurim, and gets together with friends.

“But it’s more of a struggle than it used to be,” she says. “I have to make the effort to create the structure myself. I come home after a long day of work, and it’s sometimes hard to go out to a shiur. On the other hand, I ask myself—what will I tell my chosson I gained from these years of waiting? All I have is my growth. This is what I need to do.”

But growth can also face challenges in the form of expensive clothes, exotic vacations, and the latest and the greatest fads. Rena had to walk a fine line between buying clothes for shidduchim and overspending. She made a personal budget so she could treat herself to occasional splurges (lunch out with a friend), without spending her entire paycheck on things she really didn’t need. Bracha feels like vacations are a rejuvenating break from the stress of shidduchim, but she prefers to take her vacations in Eretz Yisrael.

“I know girls who travel to resorts in places like Mexico,” she says. “I don’t judge anyone for their choices; I just don’t choose to go there. My dream is to marry a talmid chacham, and I don’t think certain vacations represent who I want to be.”

Blossoms of hope

The challenges of waiting are many—but so are the advantages.

“Today, the dating trends have shifted,” explains Mrs. Nechama Saslow, a Lakewood shadchan. “People prefer a more settled, mature, grounded girl over the new, younger girls who just returned from seminary.”

The opportunity to find fulfilling employment, build savings, and gain financial independence is foundational. “One of my friends got married at 19. She had no job, degree, or any idea of what she wanted to do. She went back to school while raising a growing family and working in the mornings. Her brachah of getting married young came with this particular challenge. My challenge of getting married a little later came with the brachah of savings and financial independence.”

After a stint in teaching, Rena completed her accounting degree before she got married, started a lucrative job, and saved a considerable amount before walking down to the chuppah. As a skilled marketer, Bracha has the confidence and skills to tell shadchanim that she can easily support a husband who is learning. She knows that al pi teva, her future home will have a solid financial foundation.

Another practical aspect of waiting is that sometimes a person’s bashert is simply not available.

“My husband is a little younger than I am,” says Rena. “When I started going out, he wasn’t even in Eretz Yisrael. By the time we dated, he was relatively inexperienced, while I knew every hotel lobby within a 50-mile radius!” On the flip side, Rena has a friend who’s ten years younger than her spouse.

This idea is a source of strength for Bracha. “In the end, we just don’t know,” she says. “We can only rely on Hashem’s plan.”

Fertile soil

One of the biggest advantages of waiting is that girls have time to transition from the seminary high and discover their authentic selves.

“This is the time to get to know yourself,” says Mrs. Eisemann. Self-awareness is the biggest gift, and these years are the perfect time for girls to pursue their dreams and test them out in the real world. In this vein, Mrs. Saslow encourages the girls she meets to find jobs they enjoy, develop their talents, and seek opportunities to give.

Self-awareness allows girls to find individual opportunities to add meaning to their lives before they undertake the responsibility of running a home.

“We always need to ensure that we’re living a meaningful life,” Rebbetzin Fink says. Girls who involve themselves in pursuits beyond the job-school-socializing trifecta become wholesome, well-rounded individuals, with a deeper capacity to give and engage in marriage.

Rena, who originally thought she wanted to teach (inspired by her seminary role models), quickly realized that the classroom wasn’t for her. That was when she pivoted into the world of numbers and volunteered with special needs children in her spare time. Her volunteer work helped develop a deep sensitivity she’d lacked when she was younger, and the benefits eventually spilled over into her married life. “My marriage is stronger because I had the time to develop internally,” she explains.

Bracha, who used to be obsessed with politics, rationalized her habit until she realized how much time she was wasting. Her complete withdrawal from updates on the latest newsworthy controversy was hard at first, but it’s become second nature. “I want to be worthy of my future husband,” she explains. “He can show up any day, and I want to be ready.”

For girls, this inner growth is often accompanied by clarity. When Bracha speaks about the home she wants to build, there’s longing in her voice, but also strength and purpose. “Over and over, people tell me to give up on a learning boy. I’m not picky about the family or imperfect circumstances, but I come from a chinuch home and learning is my ideal. After a few years in shidduchim, I know who I am and what I need.”

Most importantly, while girls understand the importance of hishtadlus, during this time, their emunah and bitachon crystallizes into one clear realization—Hashem is the only one they can trust.

Davening used to be a rushed affair for Bracha. Not anymore. She knows she’s talking to the only Shadchan who can really make a difference.

“I have a picture of the Kosel in my room, and when I daven in front of it, I know I don’t have to be there—Hashem can hear me right here.”

And for those who wait, the day of joy is richer, deeper, and so much more valued.

“I appreciate my husband tremendously,” says Rena. “The years of waiting—and yes, even a few years can feel like a long time—make my marriage more precious. I don’t take the ring on my finger for granted.”

Winnowed wisdom

Shidduchim are in Hashem’s hands, but three women in the trenches share their hard-won wisdom, gleaned from helping countless girls through the process.

They all agree that the process has become more difficult due to certain mindsets. Comparing, what-will-people-think syndrome, unrealistic expectations, and not understanding what is and isn’t foundational in marriage all add to the difficulty. However, identifying the mental enemy and raising awareness can help girls avoid these pitfalls.

“People aren’t confident in themselves,” explains Mrs. Saslow. “As a shadchan, too many times I hear girls (or their mothers) say, ‘What’s the world going to think about this shidduch?’ It’s an insecurity of our generation. I once suggested a girl, only to have the boy’s mother immediately declare that no one in her extended family had ever married someone from a chinuch family, so she wouldn’t even look into it.”

A crucial point is to focus more on the things that are real, like the solid middos that build a healthy person and create a healthy home. This can redirect those who nurture the unrealistic expectations that hold many girls back.

“Unrealistic expectations are part of the oversharing syndrome,” agrees Mrs. Baum. She sees girls looking over their shoulders at other people’s expectations and rehashing dates with friends, discussing every detail. Some girls seek combinations that don’t usually co-exist—like biggest-masmid-in-yeshivah who’s also the life of the party.

“Stop comparing your experience,” Mrs. Baum advises, especially after speaking to girls who feel their self-worth soar and plummet depending on the number of dates they receive versus their friends. “It’s not a numbers game. Having more or less dates doesn’t make you better or worse. After all, you only marry one person. And everyone takes a different amount of time.”

Perennial perspectives

Practically speaking, how can girls become confident in their choices and feel ready for the tremendous step of marriage?

“Stay productive,” says Mrs. Saslow. Girls who are busy, involved, and engaged in chessed opportunities are satisfied, turning the waiting period into a time of increased self-confidence and growth.

“Understand your strengths and weaknesses and learn what you want and what you don’t want—for real,” says Mrs. Eisemann. Self-awareness leads to targeted, purposeful dating and eases the fear that can cloud a girl’s judgment. (I don’t think this is right for me, but what if no one else says yes?) This mindfulness also helps girls make decisions that are best for them. “As a dating coach, I help people access their inner wisdom and intuition,” she explains. “Girls who take the time to know themselves and grow internally are usually more confident and grounded in their choices, and less swayed by what others think.”

Mrs. Baum, when speaking to girls, reminds them that dating is a process. She explains that girls should use this opportunity to discover what they want. They should take the time to analyze their dates and ask themselves: What did I like? Not like? What can I give up on? What do I feel is necessary?

The hardest part of the process? Being internally honest.

“But it’s so important,” says Mrs. Baum. “You need to know what you need, not what you’re supposed to need.”

Productivity, self-awareness, and honesty are powerful tools for every girl to access.

And throughout this time, shadchanim value reminders that a girl is still available. “There are so many people; we can’t remember everyone,” explains Mrs. Baum. “A polite reminder—like a text—is always, always appreciated.”

Staying rooted

When Sara Schenirer’s students graduated, she would tell them about the Mizbei’ach, how the kohanim replenished the wood daily, adding two logs of wood to keep the fires burning. She told her students to put in the same consistent effort to stay connected to their internal flame and keep the fires of Torah alive in their hearts. Without constant effort, inspiration ebbs.

Rebbetzin Fink relays this anecdote in a passion-filled voice. Watching girls returning from seminary and struggling to grow and make the right decisions in the real world spurred her to create an opportunity for girls to meet socially and listen to excellent speakers with solid hashkafos through the global Lechu V’nelcha program.

Rav Mattisyahu Salamon supported the idea, saying, “This concept was born in order to afford the girls the opportunity to leave the Bais Yaakov…and always have the Ohr Hashem as their guiding light.” He also explained, “Without it [a connection to spiritual growth], I don’t think any girl can survive.”

Building a Torah home needs a growing, spiritual foundation. “This time in shidduchim is valuable,” says Rebbetzin Fink. “It’s not a waiting game. It’s a time to invest in yourself, to keep growing, to belong, to be part of something bigger than oneself.”

Girls who have participated in the shiurim and focused on using this time to grow have reached out to Rebbetzin Fink with gratitude. They send letters about how they’ve only been able to maintain their high standards through the strong, growth-oriented network, and how keeping up the spiritual connection prepared them for marriage.

Many mothers of boys call Rebbetzin Fink and ask, “How can I tell if the girl who was suggested is really amazing?” It’s a fair question for mothers inundated with stacks of similar-looking résumés.

“I tell mothers that if a girl consistently goes to a shiur, then she’s growing spiritually and she’s definitely an amazing girl,” says Rebbetzin Fink.

Girls who hold on and go forward are ready.

Growth through waiting

It might not be what we want, and the road we travel might not head in the direction we envisioned, but every step of the journey is exactly what we need.

“I know it’s all part of Hashem’s plan,” Bracha says.

This stage of life is waiting—but it’s so much more than waiting. The years between graduation and marriage are a rich opportunity to grow internally and plant the seeds of the person you’ll become. Holding on to these years and striving for growth allows every girl to blossom—now, and far into the future.