Throughout my years of speaking and writing about chinuch, whether in the Tristate area, out-of-town, or abroad, I noticed a universal trend. The most frequently requested topic is how to raise happy children. (This article being a case in point.)

Parents find it very painful when their children are sad, and they’re fully invested in and passionately devoted to their children’s happiness. Observe a parent’s face, wreathed in smiles, as their little ones ride the train round and round at the amusement park. Think of the carpools and cost we’re willing to bear for camps, trips, and extracurricular activities and how eager we are to hear of their adventures.

I wondered about this deeply rooted and all-encompassing drive to ensure our kids’ delight. This preoccupation with keeping our children content is an urge we all share. Where does it stem from? Let’s delve into its source.

The Mesilas Yesharim begins by advising everyone to clarify their purpose in this world. “Sheyisbarer…mah chovaso b’olamo…” and then, what does the Mesilas Yesharim explain as our goal? “L’hisaneg el Hashem… shezehu hata’anug ha’amiti.” A person was created to enjoy closeness with Hashem.

This closeness, achieved through Torah and mitzvos, is better than anything This World has to offer. The Mesilas Yesharim reminds us that the ecstasy of the Next World, closeness to Hashem, is more enjoyable than all the delights that can possibly be attained in a lifetime combined into one mind-blowing minute.

I suspect that parents care so much about their children’s happiness because it’s a neshamah instinct. Deep down, we’re intuitively aware that our goal is to reach that ultimate joy.

Because Hashem wants to bestow this overwhelmingly fantastic pleasure on us, our neshamos constantly seek simchah. Add our intense love for our children to the mix, and we can comprehend why we’re programmed to help them attain joy. Here’s the tricky part. We must not confuse instant gratification with long-term happiness. As parents, we want to remain vigilant not to be thrown off track by providing an overabundance of shallow, short-lived imitation pleasures.

Being the adults in the equation, let’s harness our natural desire for our children to be happy toward guiding them to true and lasting pleasure, to the happiness of, “kirvas Elokim li tov,” closeness to the Eibershter is good.

Story of our sages

As a bachur, Rav Yaakov Galinsky had a close friend and chavrusa in the yeshivah of Novardok. The two learned with great hasmadah, and together, they reached great heights.

The day came when they were both taken to Siberia, where they spent the war years, freezing, starving, and working themselves to the bone. Somewhere along the way, Rav Yaakov’s chavrusa left Yiddishkeit. The two of them went in separate directions.

After the war, Rav Yaakov made it to Eretz Yisrael, settling in Bnei Brak and becoming a gadol b’Torah. One Erev Shabbos, Rav Yaakov met his former friend in the shuk.After they embraced and caught up a bit, the maggid invited his friend for Shabbos.

“I don’t do that anymore,” his old friend answered.

“Then at least come for the seudah tomorrow,” Rav Yaakov cajoled.

The next day, the Galinskys waited for their guest, but he never showed up.

“Why didn’t you come?” Rav Yaakov asked him after Shabbos.

“I was on my way,” he explained. “As I was walking through Bnei Brak, I saw children playing and laughing in the streets, their mothers chatting while watching them. I saw men walking home from shul, holding their little boys’ hands. And it hit me. When I gave up Yiddishkeit, I knew I was giving up my Olam Haba. Yesterday, I realized that I had also given up my Olam Hazeh.”

Quote

“The more you give a child what they want, the less you give them what they need.”

From our sources

“Ohev es habriyos umekarvan laTorah.”

A byproduct of love for another is the desire to bring them close to Torah. We want to gift those we love with kedushah, kirvas Elokim, and true happiness.

Lifetime bliss

It’s easier to let our children be happy for the moment than to teach them how to be happy for life. Let’s take this one step deeper. Focusing on their happiness for the moment can stand in the way of their happiness for life.

When we take the time to train our children to delay gratification, to fargin, to be considerate of others, to appreciate what they have, and to build a relationship with Hashem, we set them up for lasting joy. When we teach our children how to have a lev tov, a good heart, they can always be happy.

From the trenches

A close friend of mine who lives in Chicago, told me that she went swimming at the local JCC and brought along her 11-year-old daughter. As soon as they arrived, my friend spotted her daughter’s classmate. This wasn’t just any classmate, but rather a popular girl that her daughter dreamed of being friends with. As my friend did laps, she smiled to herself, watching her daughter talking and laughing. .

Then a third girl arrived, a newcomer to the class who was very shy.  The quiet girl began swimming alone.     Knowing that she should encourage her daughter to include the third girl, my friend was surprised to see what a struggle it was for her to put a damper on her daughter’s fun. After a bit, my friend forced herself to do the right thing. She went over to the two girls and suggested that they invite the new girl to join them. The popular girl made a face and said, “She won’t want to join anyway.”

My friend let it go and continued her laps. After some time, she thought, “This is ridiculous. I’m the mother here. There’s no way I can ignore a girl who’s being left out.” She went to her daughter and told her, with more conviction this time, to include the other girl.

In the end, the three girls enjoyed the rest of their time in the pool together.

Let’s be mechazek ourselves and internalize the facts that we know: True happiness comes from being a good Yid, from having good middos and hashkafos.

The more firmly we feel this, the easier it will be for us to put teaching our children above pleasing our children.

Tip

In bentching, we say, “Harachaman hu yevarech es avi mori v’es imi morasi.”

As we say these words, we can remember that in the school of life, the father and mother are the best teachers.

Try this at home

Sometimes we ask our child to do something they don’t feel like doing, for example, to clear the table or put away their toys. The child puts up a fuss and resists. How do we handle it?

Parents often choose one of two options. They either let the child have it the way they want, convincing themselves that they have to choose their battles, or they may choose the opposite route, saying, “I’m the mother” and demanding that the job get done.

Life is varied and hands us so many different scenarios that there’s a time and place for each of these methods. However, while they get you through the moment, they do little for long term growth.

I would like to introduce a third alternative. The teaching route. Ask yourself these questions. “What middah, skill, or outlook is my child missing? How would I handle myself in similar scenarios? What would be a higher-level response that I’d like to see my child use to approach this?”

What can a young child think to motivate them to clean the toys? What can an older child feel as they clear the table? Teaching the right perspective for handling tough tasks prepares our children for productive and fulfilling lives.

New bio:

Mrs. Seryl Berman has been serving the community as a parenting coach for over 20 years. To schedule a private consultation or speaking engagement or to join her Nachas B’nachas parenting classes, feel free to call the automated info line for complete details at 848-227-7200.