Gedolei Torah Meet to Institute Historic Shidduchim Changes

1. Strauss

Ask anyone slightly involved in shidduchim, and they will tell you: The current shidduch process in our community is, for lack of any better word, broken.

Typically, mothers of boys are inundated with endless résumés and have a pool of many girls to choose from, while mothers of girls wait endlessly beside silent phones, hoping to get a “yes” from a boy. Some wait for years before getting a boy’s mother to look their way; others remain single indefinitely R”l.

The shidduch crisis, as we’ve come to call it, affects everyone in shidduchim to varying degrees. No one is unaffected by the current state of affairs. However, the most affected are the girls with the least recognition, with no famous last name or yichus, those whose parents scrape through the month and can’t afford large dowries for their daughters. Additionally, those living out of town are at an immediate disadvantage.

At any given moment there are far more girls than bachurim on the shidduch market. Every boy has a few girls who are trying to get a “yes” from him. With boys being so sought after, their attention shifts to those who have the most to offer them. Others are left to wait for someone to look their way.

The problem has been going on for far too long, and a long-awaited solution is finally on the cusp of implementation.

At a historic meeting this Monday in Lakewood, scores of leading rabbanim from across Lakewood and the surrounding towns gathered to hear details of the initiative gedolei Yisrael are currently working on gathering support for and implementing.

The meeting, part of a nationwide initiative spearheaded by Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch, was hosted by Rav Yaakov Forchheimer, senior posek of BMG, and Rav Henoch Shachar, one of Lakewood’s senior rabbanim who is forced to deal with the fallout of the crisis on a daily basis. They were joined by the roshei yeshivah Rav Malkiel Kotler, Rav Dovid Schustal, and Rav Yisroel Neuman, who have given their warm endorsement to the solution that was carefully crafted and put forth by Rav Moshe Hillel.

The details of the problem and a thorough explanation of how this initiative will resolve it will im yirtzeh Hashem be the topic of future articles and is beyond the scope of this article. On a basic level, however, the initiative centers around closing the age gap—a well-documented underlying cause of the crisis. Under this new approach, bachurim will begin learning in Eretz Yisrael earlier, by third-year Pesach, while girls will only begin shidduchim approximately a year after completing seminary. This shift will naturally create a more balanced dynamic, immediately increasing the number of available shidduch-age bachurim and decreasing the number of girls in the market, which together will produce immediate relief to the girls currently on the market while also narrowing the age gap, thereby relieving the unbearable wait so many bnos Yisroel endure.

Carrying the pain

The atmosphere at the asifah was heavy as the gedolim and rabbanim discussed the unimaginable pain of so many young women whose futures remain uncertain. The rabbanim who have been working on implementing the initiative spoke passionately, their voices carrying the weight of the thousands of shattered hearts they represent.

Of the emotions in the room, a strong undercurrent of hope was felt by the attendees—hope that finally, after so many years of discussing this painful topic, a structured, communal approach will b’ezras Hashem bring about real change.

Rav Shachar opened the meeting by saying that the initiative has received widespread backing from gedolei Torah and rabbanim. “It was put forth by Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch, and Rav Elya Ber Wachtfogel and many other gedolim, along with hundreds of rabbanim across the US, have emphatically voiced their support.”

Rav Malkiel then spoke about the need for the tzibbur to unite behind the initiative, saying how important it is to think of the pain of another Yid. Moshe Rabbeinu was “nassan einav v’libo aleihem”—he sought out their pain and felt it—and so must we.

“The fact that the age gap leaves a noticeable percent of girls without a viable match doesn’t need explanation,” Rav Malkiel added. “You don’t have to be an actuary to understand it; it’s simple math,” and the eitzah put forth by the gedolim is to have the bachurim leaving early and the girls wait before starting shidduchim.

“The wait period has to become the new norm,” Rav Malkiel reiterated.

Creating a new norm

But how does such a revolutionary idea—asking girls to wait a year—become the new standard practice?

Rav Binyomin Cohen, Rav of Khal Talmidei Hayeshivos of Flatbush, spoke at length about how such implementation would take place.

The rabbanim and manhigei ha’eidah will use their full power of persuasion to entreat their kehillos and explain the tzarah and how their cooperation will mitigate the tzarah. (See sidebar for Rav Cohen’s explanation of the wait.) Included in the process will be rabbanim speaking to their kehillos, roshei yeshivah to their talmidim, and mechanchos to their talmidos. Influential figures in a boy’s or girl’s life, as well as those in their parents’ lives, will join to explain the necessity and the benefits of the wait.

Likewise, the source of the problem and the benefits of the solution will be explained to shadchanim, and they will be asked to refrain from redting shidduchim to girls within the wait period.

Bachurim will not seek to date girls during the wait period; girls will be advised by their teachers and mechanchos to refrain from dating; shadchanim will not be redting shidduchim to those girls; and their parents will understand that it is wrong to do it.

Before long, this will become the new norm.

But explaining is not enough. Without consequences, someone might be tempted, despite having heard and understood the reasoning of the initiative, to nevertheless flout it. Additionally, the fact that violating the wait period will have consequences helps all those waiting know that they are not the only ones doing so.

Thus, as Rav Moshe Hillel expressed during the discussions, there is a need for “enforcement.” Such enforcement must be serious and still doable. Finding the balance will require further deliberations by the rabbanim and will be made public as soon as it is decided upon.

Waiting for your sister

Of the questions people are wont to ask when presented with the idea of asking girls to wait a year, the most common one is probably this: How can we ask a girl to wait once she is already finished school and ready to get married? What about someone who was redt an exciting shidduch during the wait period and now has to turn it down because of the initiative?

In truth, the concept of waiting already exists in some instances. When a sibling hasn’t found their bashert, people understand that the younger sister or brother will refrain from starting shidduchim (at least for a certain length of time) because they are “waiting for their sibling.”

The gedolim are asking us to extend that concept further. The girls are being asked to “wait for their sisters” in Klal Yisrael who haven’t found their match yet. Waiting this year will help a girl’s friends, neighbors and relatives.

It should be pointed out that waiting before starting shidduchim will, in many cases, help the girl herself. Once all girls in the community accept this initiative, the shidduch process will become easier for everyone involved. When a girl finishes her wait, she will benefit from a far more balanced “market” and have a better chance of finding her zivug smoothly and easily, b’ezras Hashem.

The age gap explained

The next speaker, Rav Dov Kahan, av Beis Din Maysharim and rav of Khal Arlington, spent untold hours studying the age gap problem. His research was extensive and took years of work to conclude. The numbers he shared were frightening and attest to the gravity of the situation.

He explained, in layman’s terms, the mathematical issue that caused the crisis: In any growing population, the number of births grows from one year to the next. Simply put, if we’d match up all the two-year-olds in our community with all the one-year-olds, there would not be enough toddlers for all the one-year-old babies, as there will be more one-year-olds than two-year-olds.

How many more? Based on available statistics, our community grows by close to 4 percent each year. Accordingly, nearly 4 percent of one-year-olds wouldn’t be able to matched up with a toddler one year older than they are.

But what if we try matching up five-year-old kids with the one-year-old babies? The discrepancy would be over 10 percent—for every 100 kids, there would be more than 110 babies.

Fast-forward 19 years. The five-year-olds are 23, and the once-one-year-old babies are 19. Try matching 23-year-old boys with 19-year-old girls, and you have a serious crisis on your hands.

(Layout:The illustrations of the boys and girls babies vs. shidduch market should be inserted here eis lesakan page 25)

Adding more shadchanim will not help the situation; there are simply not enough bachurim for all the girls in shidduchim.

“Thirteen years ago,” he said, “the gedolim in Eretz Yisrael urged their American brethren to close the age gap. Had we listened then, we would have a different situation now.

“How many tears have these older singles cried at night?” he asked, his voice breaking with emotion.

The roshei yeshivah speak

Rav Elya Chaim Swerdloff and Rav Shlomo Feivel Schustal, two leading roshei yeshivah involved in the initiative, spoke with hartz and emotion, voicing the importance of alleviating the pain of so many girls waiting desperately for an appropriate match.

With the ko’ach harabbim, Rav Elya Chaim stressed, we will be able to achieve solutions that have eluded our communities for far too long.

“Do we know whose tza’ar we are alleviating?” Rav Elya Chaim thundered. “When a Yid is in pain, Hashem cries along with him. Who cries along with the hundreds of single girls each night? Hashem! There is no bigger tza’ar for Him than seeing thousands of his daughters wait with no reprieve in sight. And now we have the opportunity to help Hashem out of His pain. We can only imagine how much brachah that will bring to us!”

Rav Shlomo Feivel Schustal discussed the terrible middas hadin of ignoring the dimas ha’ashukim, the tears of those who have no one to stand up for them, and the inverse schar of helping them out of their predicament.

He then dissected all possible reasons not to institute the change, methodically putting forth arguments against each of them. Four arguments can be made against instituting this wait period, he said, and they are all mistaken:

• The girls are too picky, and that’s why they can’t find shidduchim.
• Hashem makes shidduchim, so we should not get involved.
• Who’s taking responsibility for such a drastic move?
• Is it really going to work?

There are picky girls and there are picky boys, Rav Shlomo Feivel said, but this is a numbers issue—that leaves hundreds of girls waiting to get a “yes” while bachurim of every caliber are being sought after with zest.

“The argument that we should leave the matter in Hashem’s hands is simply wrong; if we were to see someone drowning, would we say that Hashem willed he should die? Of course not! We have a chiyuv to do what we can to save someone from a tzarah. The system as it is now created this crisis, and it is up to us to change it.”

Rav Shlomo Feivel then turned his attention to the way the initiative was crafted. Our derech is to seek da’as Torah on all issues, and this was no different. Rav Moshe Hillel is the manhig of today’s dor. He was consulted with and asked to decide which changes to make.

“Rav Moshe Hillel is an adam gadol ad me’od, and he sat and deliberated extensively over this topic with extreme koveid rosh before coming to his conclusion. He weighed all options carefully before deciding on this two-pronged initiative. We always follow da’as Torah, and this time is no different.”

People ask, “Who says this is going to work?” The answer to that, Rav Shlomo Feivel said, is that we have to do our part and let Hashem take care of the rest.

“The concept of Hashem being in charge should be used to answer this question, not as an excuse to refrain from doing anything,” he quipped.

In a recent correspondence between Rav Yisrael Reisman and Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch, the former raised an important question regarding advising girls to wait:

K’vod Harav Hagaon shlit”a,

We, the rabbanim here in America, are ready to implement the directive you have put forth.

However, we grapple with the following question:

If a parent of a girl comes to seek advice from his rav regarding his daughter who was redt a shidduch within the wait period, could the rav advise him to wait? What if the family is a poor, simple family that struggles with their children’s shidduchim?

My question is twofold: I am afraid of the issur of giving bad advice; how can I be certain that I am not giving bad advice to someone asking a personal eitzah? Furthermore, if this father sees his friend’s daughter get engaged against the new takanah, he will have inevitably become upset and bitter. Can we do that to him?

We look forward to hearing your esteemed opinion.

Yisroel Reisman

 

Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch’s response:

The takanah of waiting for shidduchim until Shavuos has been accepted by the rabbanim, and there the rav should definitely advise the parent not to go into the shidduch. Anyone who doesn’t follow the directive has done a big avlah. The ratzon Hashem will be fulfilled by the parent whose daughter does not enter shidduchim, not by the daughter of the one who didn’t follow the directive. And we have to live our lives in accordance with ratzon Hashem.

Attach letter from rav MHH response in eis lesaken page 29

 

What did we do to help?

After explaining why this is the right approach, Rav Shlomo Feivel shared a poignant story:

The Chafetz Chaim once went to speak to Rav Chaim Ozer about a pressing matter: the Jewish soldiers had no kosher food, and they were forced to eat treif. Rav Chaim Ozer was extremely busy at the time and excused himself, saying that it was not something he could deal with at the moment.

“So I’ll tell Him that Rav Chaim Ozer said I don’t have to do anything about it,” the Chafetz Chaim muttered under his breath.

“What was that?” Rav Chaim Ozer asked.

“When I get to beis din shel ma’alah, they will ask me, ‘Yisrael Meir, what did you do to help kashrus for the Jewish soldiers?’ I’ll turn to Hashem and tell Him that Rav Chaim Ozer was too busy to help and I couldn’t do anything.”

Rav Chaim Ozer understood the message. It was up to him, and he immediately got to work on getting kosher food for the soldiers.

“What are we going to answer when we have our Yisrael Meir moment?” Rav Shlomo Feivel exclaimed. “Did we do all that we could to help our sisters in pain?”

Breaking down in tears, he spoke of the countless tears wept by so many of our sisters, young women who wait year after year, davening, hoping, and longing for their bashert. His wordless cry pierced the hearts of those present, serving as a stark reminder that this is not merely a matter of numbers or statistics—it is a human tragedy, playing out in homes and families across Klal Yisrael.

Rav Uri Deutsch concluded the asifah with a similarly emotional plea, speaking about the difficult task he has speaking to hundreds of single girls who turn to him for chizuk. “If you are not sure if something needs to be done,” he cried, “try speaking to a 28-year-old single girl. Try giving her chizuk in emunah!

“We have to open our eyes and hearts, to feel their pain, the pain of the thousands of girls and their families. Only then will we be able to bring forth real change.”

Across the US, similar gatherings have been taking place, reflecting the overwhelming support of gedolim and community leaders who see this initiative as a critical step forward. In the coming weeks, rabbanim and manhigei ha’eidah will gather to finalize and accept this initiative to help thousands of girls waiting to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.