Rabbi Shloime Haberfeld Facilitated by E. Stein

When we reached out to Rav Haberfeld for insights, he was hesitant to speak publicly but felt that if even one person could find strength from his words, it would be worthwhile.

“From my perspective, a major barrier to shalom bayis is a lack of continuous effort and commitment.”

A continuous effort

Every good thing requires constant chizuk. There’s no limit to how much better things can be when we focus on improving them. This is especially true in marriage. Rabbi Yaakov Meir Schechter once said, “You can’t say, ‘I have shalom bayis’—you have to say, ‘I have shalom bayis today.’” Marriage requires daily effort.

Rabbi Avigdor Miller often said that marriage is one of the greatest tools for personal growth. It teaches us to be mevater, to keep quiet, and to work on ourselves. Marriage is Hashem’s plan to help us grow. If both partners are committed, they can overcome any challenge.

Marriage requires commitment and a willingness to work through the challenges. A talmid of mine shared that before his wedding, his rosh yeshivah, Rabbi Mottel Dick, told him, “Marriage is meant to work. Figure out how to make it work.”

We must believe that our spouse is bashert; Hashem doesn’t make mistakes. The brachah given to couples under the chuppah, “Samei’ach tesamach…k’Gan Eden mikedem,” is to tell us that Hashem made the couple for each other. Just as it was so clear to Adam and Chava that they were created for each other, so too, every couple is meant for each other. When realizing this, we’ll be committed to making it work.

Kind words

Many years ago, a couple came to Rav Elyashiv in the Rabbanut beis din, asking for a divorce. His colleagues suggested simply issuing a get. However, Rav Elyashiv responded, “I have a kabbalah from my zeide the Leshem that before granting a divorce, I recommend that the couple change their names for 30 days. Every morning, they should say ‘Good morning’ and ‘Good night’ to each other using their new names.”

After 30 days, the couple returned to the rav and said, “It’s amazing—we no longer want a divorce.”

Rav Elyashiv then admitted, “My grandfather never said this—I made it up to try the salvage the marriage.”

Dayan Dunner later shared this story, explaining that if a couple greets each other in a nice way every day, they will get along. When a couple starts focusing on being nice to each other, they are already on the road to success. The Rambam teaches us to always speak kindly to our spouses. When a husband or wife praises their spouse, it creates a positive connection and keeps the Shechinah in their home.

To preserve shalom bayis

Someone told the Ponovezher Rav, “My wife is so messy; I can’t handle it.”

The Ponovezher Rav told him, “Come to my house at seven tonight.”

The rav told his rebbetzin, “We have a job to do,” and they turned the entire house upside down. When the yungerman came over and saw the huge mess, he thought, “If the Ponovezher Rav can put up with this mess, I can surely handle my wife, who runs a much less messy home.”

How could the rav have embarrassed himself and his wife like this?

He knew that Hashem allows His name to be erased for one thing only—to save a Jewish marriage. He too could sacrifice to save a marriage. And we, in our marriages, can give up on our kavod if it means protecting our shalom bayis.

We should do anything and everything to have shalom.

The power of compromise

When they got married, Rav Shach told his rebbetzin that they would take turns being mevater. His wife later shared that her turn to give in never came; Rav Shach always insisted on being mevater.

There’s a machlokes whether a mezuzah should be vertical or horizontal. The minhag is to affix it on a tilt. Where else do we solve a machlokes by blending two options? The lesson is that when a person enters his home, he should see the tilted mezuzah and remember the importance of compromising. Similarly, the Mishnah says that a person can acquire a wife in one of three ways. This shows us that we must be willing to take many different approaches. In marriage, there is no one way.

Disagreements in marriage are inevitable, but they shouldn’t be allowed to grow into resentment. There can be a chalukei dei’os without chalukei levavos. I tell couples never to let a fight brew for more than 24 hours.

Sometimes, two simple words can save a marriage: “I’m sorry.” Even if you’re not at fault and even if you don’t fully mean it, these words will help you move forward and can heal many wounds.

The mediator

If someone is seeking help for marital issues, it’s very important to find out the success rate of the person they’re considering, not someone who just “takes achrayus” in breaking them apart. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this too often. You wouldn’t choose a doctor who performs many surgeries but has little success. Similarly, when looking for someone to help with your marriage, you want someone who has experience in successfully bringing couples together, not just in breaking them apart.

If someone is complaining to you about their spouse, it’s important not to simply commiserate but to highlight their partner’s good qualities. Helping someone see the positive aspects of their spouse is a great mitzvah. We see the importance of praising someone to their spouse when the malachim asked Avraham Avinu, “Where is your wife?” highlighting Sarah Imeinu’s tznius. If the Torah makes a point of emphasizing the importance of this even in regard to Avraham and Sarah, then surely, for an ordinary couple, highlighting the ma’alos of one’s spouse is very important.

Sidebar:

Recommended reading For further insights, Rabbi Haberfeld recommends Rabbi Avigdor Miller’s book Perfect Your Marriage as You Perfect Yourself, which is full of real da’as Torah on what marriage is all about and how to preserve shalom at all times.

Sidebar:

Self-love first

When we’re happy with ourselves, we’re better able to handle our spouse and see them in a positive light. The Torah teaches us, “V’ahavta l’rei’acha kamocha,” we should love others like we love ourselves. We must first be happy within ourselves before we can truly treat others well. When a person is happy with himself, he is able to handle much more and see his spouse in a positive light.