Stronger Together

Experts’ takes on fortifying the bond

Divorce rates can seem discouraging, but they don’t tell the whole story. For every couple that closes the door, countless others successfully overcome challenges and strengthen their marriages. In this series, mentors share strategies to build a more resilient, connected partnership.

Week 3 of 4

Therapist and founder of “Making your Bashert,” a program designed to preempt marital discord through open dialogues and mutual understanding, Moshe Norman LCSW, breaks down the root of discord—and how to fix it.

Moshe Norman LCSW: “From my perspective, a major barrier to shalom bayis is misunderstanding the spouse’s intent during communication.”

The seed of separation

Most of the friction in marriage begins with misinterpreted intentions. For example, if one partner is upset but doesn’t say anything, the other might feel they’re being rejected. When this happens without clarification, the other spouse starts creating and breeding false narratives about how their spouse feels about them. This often leads to withdrawal, shut-down, assumptions, and an overall sense of insecurity in the relationship. The “victim” then begins to respond from that place of insecurity, the other reacts in kind, and the relationship spirals into discord.

Relationships are inherently attachment-based, meaning that past insecurities stemming from earlier poor attachments with primary caregivers often color how each spouse perceives their partner’s actions. If someone grew up feeling dismissed or insignificant, they might assume that their spouse, too, will dismiss them, even in the absence of any negative intent. When someone was constantly made to feel, say, unworthy, they project their complexes on their spouse. If they aren’t constantly being reassured and validated, even a small incident can be perceived as evidence of deeper rejection, confirmation of the insecurity they’re carrying.

Dialogue before discord

What can couples do to avoid this downward spiral?

It all starts with open communication. Authenticity and mutual understanding should be established early in marriage, which is why I encourage newlyweds to consider preemptive counseling—which I offer through my “Making Your Bashert” program. It’s not therapy in the traditional sense, because it isn’t targeting existing marital conflict. Rather, it’s a way to build a strong, healthy relationship before problems arise.

For instance, a common fear shared by a spouse might be, “I’m scared we’ll argue and never be able to resolve it.” When partners are aware of each other’s triggers and understand the underlying fears and their roots, they can preemptively address potential conflicts. The listening spouse will ask the other why it is that they’re particularly afraid of that and will learn to become sensitive to their spouse’s anxiety. The goal is to foster understanding so that when tensions arise, couples can discuss them calmly and preempt solutions instead of letting them fall into a downward spiral and dissolve the safety in the relationship. They can then reassure the spouse that their intention is never to reject them but that sometimes they feel upset about a specific event that has no bearing on how they feel about them overall.

Down the road, when there’s an argument, the person who’s vulnerable to feeling rejected can remember the preemptive discussions and will feel safer communicating instead of assuming the worst and withdrawing. With this foundation of mutual understanding in place, they can approach their spouse to discuss this issue instead of stewing in insecurity and unease. Preemptive and real-time communication are key.

From the ground up

Intentions were misread; feeling were hurt. The clash may blow over with time, but without an open dialogue, it won’t be resolved. It will rear its ugly head time and again until the relationship becomes stale. Later, when misunderstandings happen again, they become part of an old narrative, insult added to injury. Suddenly, it’s ten years later and they find their marriage is strained—and they don’t know why.

What if the hurts and mistrust are already embedded in a relationship? When neither side recognizes the sweet chosson or kallah they married, it can be hard to trust the other person’s words or actions anymore. It becomes very difficult to be vulnerable. If one spouse asks for assurance, for example, they might be met with, “Why should I trust you?” “Last time, you said…” or “You weren’t nice to me, why should I be nice to you?”

At that point, they’ll need marital counseling to reinstate trust and build it over time. In counseling, the couple can recalibrate from what’s happened in the past and create new meaning as to what’s actually happening.

In counseling, the couple can rebuild trust and recalibrate from what’s happened in the past. The first step is to identify that both sides are willing to improve. We establish that the fact that they’re both in the room means they both want something better for their relationship.

Once we have that understanding, we begin by “contracting”—both partners agree to make changes not only in their behavior, but more importantly in how they perceive each other’s actions and the assumptions they make about each other’s intentions.

Instead of assuming the worst, I encourage couples to ask each other, “What is your intention behind this?” This creates space for understanding rather than reacting from old stories. Sometimes, we have to go back into the past to untangle previous misunderstandings and clear the air to rebuild the relationship.

Finally, we acknowledge that there will be setbacks within the context of the relationship. There will be stages of clumsiness, times when we try new things, and they feel awkward or “social work-y.” But if both parties genuinely want to rebuild, change is always possible.

Sidebar:

At-home healing

Couples can often solve misunderstandings on their own by practicing concrete exercises that help them communicate better. Additionally, if there are shared activities they enjoy doing, they should focus on those without talking about sensitive topics. Just having fun together helps remind both spouses that they have something special together.