As a relationship coach, Mrs. Chana Eisenstein, MS CPC, empowers women with transformative tools to cultivate peace and connection in their marriages.

Facilitated by Elisheva Braun

 

Mrs. Chana Eisenstein: “From my perspective, learning to understand yourself and your spouse is a major game-changer for shalom bayis.”

Working on having a thriving marriage is one of the best investments you can make. When your relationship is strong, it creates a foundation of support with which you can deal with whatever comes your way. When your marriage is thriving, everything is easier, happier, and calmer. You, your spouse, and your children can thrive. A healthy marriage  creates a safe, loving environment that brings out the best in your kids. It also provides them with a model of how to build strong relationships of their own.

A home without shalom bayis is like a rickety shack that might fall in the next breeze. A well-built, secure house can weather any storm.

Many people don’t recognize the importance of investing in their shalom bayis. They think it’ll be too much work, too complicated, or too difficult. The truth is that creating a thriving marriage isn’t hard when you have the right tools, perspectives, and support. That’s why I’m so passionate about sharing ideas that can make your marriage blossom.

The ingredients for a happy marriage

• First and foremost, daven.

Know that Hashem is supporting you. Hashem wants you to have shalom bayis.

• Learn to understand yourself.

When you work on understanding your feelings and triggers, you not only grow as an individual, but you also create a stronger emotional connection with your spouse.

For example, let’s say you struggle with anger. Often, we try to control our emotions by sheer willpower—counting to ten, holding our tongue, or avoiding confrontation. But a more effective and longer lasting approach is to uncover the root of what’s truly bothering you and work through it. Chances are that you’ll recognize that many of the things that bother you are really your own inner work calling to be addressed. When you understand yourself better, you can be more patient and compassionate with your spouse. Once you’re at peace with yourself, you can be at peace with your partner.

• Learn skills for connection and closeness.

These skills are important for all relationships and integral for a happy, healthy marriage. Some of the skills include respecting yourself, respecting others, letting go of control, trusting, being vulnerable, giving, receiving, communicating effectively, being flexible, honoring different perspectives, and expressing gratitude.

After seeing so many marriage-related issues that could’ve been avoided, I realized how important it for us to be proactive. This led me to create a workshop for teens where I teach these skills in an age-appropriate manner.

• If you feel like things are challenging even after you have the skills, check for blockages.

Very often, there are blockages, conscious or subconscious, standing in the way. These blockages are formed by old beliefs, misunderstandings, and past negative experiences. Healing them will pave the way for a close, connected marriage.

“I see your point of view”

From my perspective, some of the most important skills to look for in a marriage partner include the ability to be flexible and the ability to understand others’ perspectives. Already married? These skills can be developed.

Being able to hold both your own reality and the other person’s is essential for a really safe, secure, and connected marriage. You don’t have to argue, convince, or change minds. The ability to see and acknowledge things through two lenses is so powerful. When a couple can be compassionate to both realities, they can work through anything and everything.

The main problem with conflict isn’t the clashing opinions. It’s the feeling of not being seen or understood. Understanding both yourself and your spouse makes the marriage bond so strong.

Here’s a personal example. A few years ago, I was going out to give a marriage class in the evening, leaving my husband to babysit the kids. Needless to say, he wasn’t thrilled about being left alone at bedtime with a bunch of rambunctious kids. My initial reaction was frustration. I watch the kids all the time. I’m going out to work. I wish he would do this happily.

Then I stopped to hold his reality. I asked myself: What’s going on for him? Why is he feeling this way? My husband had just come home after a long day in yeshivah. He was tired, and it isn’t easy to put kids to bed. Taking his perspective, I switched from judgment to compassion. I was able to enjoy the class and then come home, thank him for his support, and ask how his night went with the kids with genuine caring.

I believe the yetzer hara is on a mission to get us to judge and criticize ourselves and others. This disconnects us from our binah yeseirah. We have the answers within us; we just need to let go of judgment. When we approach ourselves and others with compassion, we can work through anything together.

Perspective taking: Make it fun

Try turning perspective-taking into a fun challenge. Be curious about how your spouse sees the situation. Rather than viewing differences as problems to be solved, see them as opportunities to learn and grow together. When you approach differences this way, you’ll understand each other better. Try thinking, “How do I see this from their perspective?”

You can even turn it into a game. Look at a picture and ask, “What do you see or think about when you look at this?” It’s fascinating to see how differently two people can interpret the same image. This kind of playful perspective-taking helps deepen your connection and understanding.

Be your true self

A strong marriage is built on both people being able to be themselves. Don’t try to change each other. Instead, respect and support each other. When you can live in your own circle without trying to control your spouse, the relationship becomes deeper and more meaningful.

Whose responsibility is happiness?

“Responsibility is like a ball,” it’s been said. “If one person is holding it, by default, the other person is not.” I find that very caring husbands and wives sometimes get caught up in working too hard to make their spouse happy. In the process, they often lose themselves. Know that while we can influence our spouse’s happiness, we can’t create or control it.

More than anything, a husband wants his wife to be happy. Interestingly, when the wife isn’t happy, the husband’s response is often angry instead of supportive. Why? I pondered this question for a while, but then one day it hit me. A man sees his wife’s unhappiness as an attack on his manhood, a sign of his failure. But in fact, his wife’s happiness is not something that he can control. A husband can influence his wife’s happiness, but the end result is up to her. With this recognition, a husband can drop his defenses when his wife is unhappy and truly support her.

You own your happiness.

Taking responsibility for your own happiness starts with building a good relationship with yourself. Start tuning into your self-talk. Are you loving and compassionate toward yourself or do you constantly berate, criticize, and question yourself? Speak to yourself with gentleness. Think, How would Hashem talk to me? Hashem is full of love and compassion toward us.

Notice the good things you do. Embrace your strengths. Get in touch with yourself by tuning into what you’re thinking and feeling. The more we understand and are kind to ourselves, the more we can be our best selves and bring that best self to our marriage.

Sometimes the yetzer hara comes to us dressed in tallis and tefillin. He trips us up in the name of avodas Hashem and sends  us into a shame spiral after we’ve made a mistake. Let’s say you had a hard day, and as a result, you snapped at your spouse or child. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Don’t get stuck in a spiral of guilt. Guilt keeps us stuck and often leads to resignation. II already messed up, you think. I might as well give up trying to do a good job. Apologize when appropriate and move on. Use your energy to rebuild respect and connection.

As you enhance your relationship, you’ll find that you have more leeway for slipups. The strength of a solid connection can handle a tough day.

The couple bubble

A marriage is a team. You and your spouse are in this together, creating your own “couple bubble.” Strive to work together to hold both of your needs and desires. Rather than wasting your energy on deciding who is right and viewing challenges as “my problem” or “your problem,” approach them as “our challenge.”

For example, a couple goes out for breakfast together. One orders a plain bagel, while the other gets cream cheese with vegetables and all the trimmings and a hot cocoa. For the spend-conscious spouse, this is so frustrating. We have cocoa and cream cheese at home! For the other, their order is a matter of comfort and convenience. As a team, the couple can figure out how to honor both desires: for saving money and for convenience. Instead of a tug-of-war, it becomes a question of problem-solving as a team.

As a team, you can weather the storms and enjoy the sunshine of life together.