Facilitated by Malka Rosen

Twenty years ago, before awareness of mental health was widespread, Mrs. Esti Frank constantly felt anxious and afraid. Unaware that she was experiencing anxiety and panic attacks, the stigma and shame that “something was wrong” kept her silent. After years of suffering, Mrs. Frank embarked on a journey of self-discovery, finally uncovering the aspects of her personality that were causing pain (like perfectionism) and using modern information and techniques to heal herself.

Now, with decades of experience and as a certified coach, Mrs. Frank uses modalities such as CBT, breathwork, inner-child healing, and meditation to help hundreds of thousands of women and guides mothers to work on their parenting skills. Mrs. Frank teaches parents simple skills and the awareness to alleviate problems such as phobias, anxiety, and emotional pain, allowing children to develop in a healthy way. Though she assists people at every stage in life, Mrs. Frank emphasizes that addressing issues during childhood gives parents the greatest opportunity to nurture their children’s fullest potential.

Case study #1: The responsible daughter

When Kreindy, a woman in her mid-sixties, came to see me, she was desperate.

“I feel like I’ve tried everything,” she told me. Kreindy had suffered from depression and panic attacks for decades, and nothing seemed to help. She was an ordinary-looking, sweet woman, and she told me that there was nothing unusually stressful about her life.

“Let’s go back in time and talk a little bit about growing up,” I said conversationally.

“I’m the daughter of Holocaust survivors,” Kreindy began, and she told me her story. She was the first of a large, growing family, a typically capable and organized oldest. At the age of nine, Kreindy woke up early to dress, feed, and help her siblings get ready for school. When she came home, her mother would send her off to the park with some food, where she fed everyone supper. Then she brought them home and put everyone to bed.

“My mother wasn’t so involved,” Kreindy continued. “She suffered during the war and couldn’t relate to us emotionally. I had to be responsible for my siblings, so I didn’t do well in school.”

“You know that wasn’t normal, right?” I asked.

She shrugged it off. “It was hard, but someone had to do it. At 16, I was afraid to leave the house, because what if something happened when I was gone? Once, my sister fell off the swing in the park and hurt herself. And one of my brothers got burned when I served the soup at suppertime. I wish I’d done a better job with them, but I was young.” She sighed.

“What happened after you got married?” I wanted to know.

“It was strange,” Kreindy answered. “I ran my childhood home, but it was hard to take care of my own family. I always felt overwhelmed and sad. Every day was a battle. I knew my kids needed me, so I struggled to get up and be there for them. I felt like I was terrible and lazy. How did everyone else manage? Years later, I finally realized that my physical symptoms were actually panic attacks and depression. I did try medication and therapy, but I didn’t see any change.”

I listened, validated her feelings, and then said softly, “Kreindy, you were too responsible.”

“Because I watched my siblings when I was nine, I’m suffering from depression today?” She sounded skeptical, but I nodded.

I explained to her that she was carrying a tremendous burden of guilt. The trauma of being responsible for the household when she was too young to carry such a burden created deep guilt, stress, and misery. Kreindy hadn’t had time to be a child and was never accepted for who she was by her emotionally distant mother, only for what she did. And Kreindy needed to heal.

Over the next few months, Kreindy’s desperation was transformed into hope. We used a few different techniques to connect to her inner child and transform her “little girl” belief that everything was her fault. We released the pain and reset her reality. Kreindy had done her best with what she’d been given, and she was finally able to accept herself, to mother the little girl inside who was starving for love.

One important tool was meditation, which helped her connect internally and build her inner feelings of safety and security. Slowly but surely, Kreindy’s view of life shifted and changed completely.

A few months later, Kreindy came to see me for the last time.

Eyes welling with tears, she finally said, “I have no words. You gave me life!”

It was a powerful moment but also a tremendously sad one. It had taken Kreindy so long to get the help she needed and heal from the trauma of the past.

I still see Kreindys, but even more frightening, I see Kreindys-in-the-making. As parents, we lead very hectic lives, often juggling large families, household responsibilities, and work. Throw Shabbos, Yom Tov, family simchos, and regular events in the mix, and life becomes even more stressful. And yes, children should help their parents. There’s nothing wrong with a daughter watching the toddler while her mother finishes cooking supper, and there’s nothing wrong with asking your son to take out the garbage or clear the table.

The key is in the balance.

As parents, we can ask for help. But we can’t ask our children to be miniature parents. You might trust your teenage daughter to take her siblings to the park, but any accidents that might happen because of that are ultimately the parent’s responsibility. If a younger sibling falls and hurts herself while your teen is watching, your job is to say, “It happened. I’m here to take charge; everything’s going to be fine.”

As loving mothers, our job, above all, is to provide our children with a sense of deep safety and security. And that only happens when “the buck stops here,” when the ultimate responsibility for everything lies with us and our power to love, nurture, and be strong for our children.

If you were a child who mothered your siblings to the point that you felt ultimately responsible for them, or if you have a child who’s taking on your central role in the house, it might be time to rethink your approach. Children who are forced into the role of mothers will always carry an inner child who needs mothering and healing.

It’s never too late to mother ourselves, but why wait until late-middle age, like Kreindy? Why not mother our children when they’re children?

When we fully embrace the role of parent, our daughters and sons will be able to rely on us and feel safe and secure in the perfection of their roles as children.

Esti Explains: It’s important to be aware that there’s a profound connection between childhood trauma or emotional pain and eventual adult issues. Addressing issues in younger children can spare them as teens and adults.

This article should be l’ilui nishmas Esti’s,  parents Yakov Yosef ben Menachem Manes and Ruchel Minza bas Avraham Duvid.

 

Modality Moment: Meditation

1. Sit in a calm, quiet spot.
2. Lean back and slow down your breathing.
3. Relax until your extremities feel heavy.
4. Lower your shoulders and loosen your fingers.
5. Inhale deeply and breathe into your abdomen.
6. Slow down your breathing.
7. Direct your breath into areas of your body where you feel tension.
8. Relax your body completely.
9. Exhale and allow yourself to relax even more deeply.
10. Focus on your breath and picture a beautiful, serene scene.