By Malka Majer

 

Helping Our Children Grow from Preschool to Seminary

It’s that time of year again. Children are trading their baseball caps and pool towels for backpacks and pencil cases, and parents are getting ready to return to a steady routine of homework and school buses. For some children, the new school year is an exciting, fresh start. New pencils, new teachers, new classroom, and a new chance for success. Yet for other children, the new start is daunting. It’s another year of difficult homework and tests, another year of wondering if success will ever be within reach. The new school year presents an opportunity for both types of children. With the right guidance, the new year can be exciting and something to look forward to. What can we do to set up our children for success as they embark on a year-long journey of development and growth?

 

Preschool and primary

Any experienced preschool or primary educator will tell you that the success of a school year is heavily dependent on the first day, week, or month of school. The beginning stage is tough, but it sets the tone for the rest of the year. It’s important that we ensure a natural transition from summer mode to school mode so that our children have a smooth start.

“We can’t just drop back into school,” says a primary school director of over two decades. “We should take a few days to try to get back into schedule with more of a bedtime and more of a wake-up time.” She recalls that one of her daughters had her five-year-old son start to wear school clothes and shoes a few days before school started, so that at least some parts of going to school would be familiar. “I thought that was very smart,” she says.

For young children, this transitional period is especially paramount. “The transition has to be mindful,” says Mrs. Leah Pinkovics, a veteran educator with many years of preschool experience who currently holds a leadership position at Yeshiva Nachlei Torah. “When a child has that level of comfortability, you’re already two steps ahead or maybe even more.” She notes that today, there aren’t many crying children on the first day of school. “They’re resigned to the fact—‘this is just what I’ve got to do’—because they’ve been doing it since they’re a year and a half old.” Still, if a mother sees that her child is anxious before the first day of school, she should bring him to the classroom ahead of time to get oriented. Just knowing his way around will make the child much more comfortable on the first day.

“I’ve had children, even at primary level, who had no idea where the bathroom was and no one told them, and then they had a miserable first day because they needed to go to the bathroom and they didn’t know where to go,” says Mrs. Pinkovics. Orientation is so important that it can even start months in advance. “In our school, we take the four-year-olds, or the boys graduating kindergarten, to visit the rebbi class [primary] at the end of June. They sit in the rebbi class and the rebbi will tell them a story, and [on the first day of primary] they see the rebbi and say, ‘Hey, this is going to be good. I know him.’” For young children, Mrs. Pinkovics sometimes recommends that they carry a picture of their mother in their bag, so “Mommy” can be with them if they feel anxious.

Sometimes, however, the parent is more nervous for the upcoming first day than the child. In that case, says a primary school director, the child picks up his cues from the parent. “If the parents have confidence, then they will have confidence,” she says. “It’s everyone’s first day of school in primary. You don’t have to be nervous. No one knows where to go, so the school is organized and has a system in place.” She stresses the importance of conveying confidence to your child. “Talk about school, about the good time they’re going to have there, and the good things they’re going to learn.” If the child still has specific concerns, communication with the school is important, but for the most part, a positive attitude from the parents will rub off on the children.

 

The elementary years

Even after the first week of school, the parent’s role in the school year continues to depend heavily on a child’s nature and the stage he or she is in. Mrs. Naomi Krupenia, a kallah teacher and mechaneches at Migdal Seminary, as well as a high school teacher for over 15 years in Bais Yaakov of Lakewood and beyond, describes the parents’ role as evolving based on the child’s stage. In elementary school, she explains, “A parent should be very tuned in, and look out for any area, whether it’s educational, whether it’s social, whether it’s emotional…all the areas that impact the growth and development of a child.” A major role of the parent in this stage, Mrs. Krupenia notes, is to create “a culture of productivity and responsibility.” She stresses the importance of doing homework in a structured environment. “The earlier they put that into the culture of the home, the younger the age that a child develops a sense of responsibility, so that when they’re older, they will do it by themselves.”

Mrs. Shaindy Lieberman, a teacher for 22 years and currently a fourth-grade teacher at Tehilas Chaya Sara, adds, “Even once the routine is established, the student needs to feel from the parent that this is not just a suggestion.

All involved want to make sure everything gets done to the best of the student’s ability. Even a child whose workload is covered independently benefits from recognition.” For slightly older children, who are beginning to manage their own workload, Mrs. Lieberman recommends subtly reinforcing structure through conversation: “I loved hearing you teitch the Chumash,” “Did you get that test back yet?” “Can you tell me an interesting science fact from that unit?” Comments like these, besides for showing an interest in a child’s education, provide a sense of accountability. The child knows that the parents care and will be following up on his or her progress throughout the year.

Elementary school is also an imperative time to guide children who are less gifted academically. These children need support, not just academically, but emotionally as well. “The goal is for each student to feel successful,” says Mrs. Lieberman. “No student should be made to feel that they have an opt-out option. That can feel liberating at first but leaves a bitter ‘I can’t do’ aftertaste. Instead, we work to figure out how the student can succeed. Inevitably, even custom-made success yields further success.” Every child, regardless of academic ability, should be able to feel a sense of accomplishment in some way. As Mrs. Pinkovics says, “Ultimately, when the children feel success, they’re going to be happy, and a happy child is going to want to work harder and succeed more, so it’s really a positive cycle that follows.”

Often, the best way to create a feeling of accomplishment is through positive feedback and recognizing the strengths that the child brings to the table. “Every parent should find the things that their child succeeds at and is successful at and work with those,” says Mrs. Pinkovics. “Don’t forget the academics, because they’re students and they have to reach those things, but your focus is going to be dual, to find those things and give him the positive feedback for that.” The goal is to find the areas where a child does excel, highlight them, and give them more opportunities to use and cultivate those skills. As Mrs. Lieberman puts it, “We want to empower the non-academic student by recognizing what they bring to the classroom in terms of spirit, middos, and extracurricular talents. We need to consciously provide opportunities for these strengths to shine.”

 

Of course, the primary goal is to make sure no child feels less or subpar based on what he can or cannot do. “Be genuine,” advises Mrs. Krupenia. The best way to make sure that every child feels loved and valued is to truly love and value them. Value them for who they are, not for what they do. “We’re not looking at a finished product,” says Mrs. Pinkovics. “I’m looking at a neshamah that could be brought closer and have a great feeling about himself, about Yiddishkeit, about the world around him. That’s my focus. So it’s not a question of what you’re looking at now, I’m looking for the potential of what will be.” If we look at each child not as a list of strengths and weaknesses, but as a neshamah to be treasured, they will feel loved even when faced with failure.

 

High school and beyond

For high school children, the transition from summer to school is more technical than emotional. A high school teacher at Bnos Bais Yaakov believes that at this stage, the bulk of responsibility for easing the transition falls on the teacher. “They’re the ones giving the work,” she points out. “I personally give less homework and lots of understanding, and gradually make the workload higher.”

And what is the parent’s job during this stage? “Validation. Empathy. The parent can empathize—‘I know, the summer was amazing.’” For a teenager or older child, just a voice of understanding and empathy from a parent can do wonders to ease the transition into school mode.”

When guiding high school age children, parents need to be ready to take a step back. With teenagers, says Mrs. Krupenia, “We don’t tell them when to do their homework, but hopefully they have that sense of responsibility, because we trained them when they were in elementary school.”

High school students are old enough to take full responsibility for their own studies. “I rarely have communication with the parents,” comments a high school teacher. I really work with the children.” The parents are there, but the children have space to navigate on their own.

“Turn a blind eye, but don’t,” says Mrs. Krupenia. “When it comes to parenting teenagers, keep your eyes open. That’s the responsible thing to do, but don’t let them know that you’re really looking and don’t necessarily react every time something comes up. Let them navigate it.” She compares the experience to baking cookies—children won’t know how to bake cookies until they bake them themselves.

Overmanaging any child’s life, both academically and socially, is damaging. “We don’t take over for our children,” says Mrs. Krupenia. “We try to help them solve their problems. We try to provide them with the school, the skills, the tools, the environment for them to thrive in all those areas, but the minute we project our own insecurities and our own needs on them, then we’re actually not taking care of our children, we’re taking care of ourselves through our children, and that never works.” She explains that micromanaging children’s social or academic life

tells them that we don’t believe in them enough to let them handle the situation. This insecurity can filter down to our children, and form a multi-generational chain of helicopter parenting if left unchecked. “Really, our children’s success starts with us developing ourselves,” says Mrs. Krupenia. “It’s the longer, more difficult route, but this is the best way.”

For post-high school girls, the seminary experience provides a whole new world of independence, far beyond what they had in high school. Mrs. Krupenia describes it as “a great training ground for real adult life.” The girls are now learning to make their own decisions regarding time management and personal responsibility. “When you’re in your parents’ home, there’s pretty much a clear expectation of what you should be doing,” she explains. “When you go to seminary, you have to make many, many choices that are going to test your responsibility.” This is the last stage in the process of teaching our children personal accountability. In the preschool and elementary years, a parent is actively involved in all aspects of a child’s life. As they mature, we slowly let go of the metaphorical bicycle, until they are ready to ride off on their own.

 

Connection and communication

Another vital piece in the success of a child of any age is a sense of continuity between the parents and the child’s school. “An essential piece,” explains Mrs. Pinkovics, “is that they feel that the teacher and parents are one, that we’re all on the same page. What’s that page? It’s all about you. That you should be matzliach.” She adds, “In real estate, we say location, location, location. Successful parents do communication, communication, communication.” Parents and teachers must work together to ensure the child’s success, and the child should tangibly feel the power of that partnership.

“From the home front,” says Mrs. Lieberman, “it means conveying a sense of positivity and interest in the goings-on in our children’s school life and responsibilities. If we show interest, it subliminally conveys that this is something we appreciate and value. And so, our children attach importance to school as well.” It also means showing your child that you trust their school and their teachers. A child needs to respect the system they are in, cautions Mrs. Krupenia. A parent must advocate for their child, but if we are too critical of the school, rebbi, or morah in front of our child, we run the risk of the child picking up those cynical or critical outlooks. To that end, we must ensure that our children see their parents and school working in tandem to push them toward success.

The start of a new school year is more than just a date on the calendar. It’s a new step on a child’s journey, no matter at which stage, and one that we can imbue with confidence and excitement so that our children can put their best foot forward.

 

Defining the Successful Student

Mrs. Shaindy Lieberman describes a successful student as “one who is committed to doing her best.” Any child can succeed, regardless of the level of ability with which they enter the classroom. “It’s not at all about inborn strengths,” she says. “The students who shine are those who are dutiful about following through on classroom responsibilities, coming on time, being on task, being attentive, and getting the right support.” She notes that while some do struggle with such tasks, for the most part, “these are areas where differentiated abilities are less pronounced, but being a successful student is recognized.” A high school teacher adds that a successful student is one who “reaches her potential, whatever that may be. I don’t care if it’s 60s, I don’t care if it’s 70s, I don’t care if it’s 90s, I don’t care if it’s 100s. A successful student is learning on her own level.” The bottom line, she explains, is that a successful student is a happy student. “When they’re happy, then they’re doing, and they’re responsible.”