Rav Shmuel Hirth shares insights for the new mesivta bachur

Yecheskel Ostreicher

Photos By Yitzy Engel

 

On the list of significant calendar days, Rosh Chodesh Elul definitely holds a special place.

It’s the day Moshe Rabbeinu ascended to Hashem to atone for a nation’s grievous sin thousands of years ago. Today, it marks the start of a 40-day period of teshuvah, introspection, and kirvas Hashem.

Why, even the fish in the water, we’re told, tremble with fear on this day. The Yom Hadin is coming!

For the fresh yeshivah bachur entering ninth grade—and for his parents—Rosh Chodesh Elul brings along its own flood of emotion. The anxious excitement at entering mesivta, beginning a most defining phase of his life.

How can a bachur’s parents encourage him to utilize these precious few years to bring out the best he has within him? What changes should they expect, and what changes serve as signs of something wrong?

I sat down with the rosh yeshivah of Yeshiva Nefesh HaChaim, Rav Shmuel Hirth, an expert in bachurim’s chinuch, to discuss these and other questions parents and bachurim alike would love to have someone to ask.

Rabbi Hirth has teaching bachurim for close to three decades, but one of his most important insights into a rosh yeshivah’s role, and that of a parent, came during an impromptu conversation with Rav Avrohom Yehoshua Soloveitchik, Rosh Yeshivas Brisk.

When R’ Shmuel Hirth was a bachur learning in Brisk, and he had a unique relationship with the young rosh yeshivah. Once, during night seder, Shmuel looked up and saw Rav Avrohom Yehoshua entering the beis medrash and sitting down at a shtender. The rosh yeshivah’s discerning eyes made their way up and down the aisles, scanned the yeshivah thoughtfully.

Taking advantage of his candid relationship with the rosh yeshivah, R’ Shmuel approached and asked the him if he was enjoying the view.

“Shmuel! Nem dein kapelutch un kum mit mir—Take your hat and come with me,” the rosh yeshivah responded cryptically. “I want to walk with you.”

The rosh yeshivah stood up and walked out of the beis medrash briskly, R’ Shmuel Hirth following in lockstep. “Der tatte (the Brisker Rav’s son, Rav Berel), once visited Yeshivas Mir in Poland. The legendary Mashgiach, Rav Yerucham Levovitz, invited him to survey the entire yeshivah during seder.

“Nu, what do you see?” the Mashgiach asked the esteemed visitor.

“What do I see? I see hatzlachah on the highest level! Hundreds of bachurim and yungerleit learning with tremendous hasmadah. What could be a nicer view?”

Rav Yerucham listened quietly.

After a moment, he spoke. “Let me tell you what I see. A gardener who looks at his garden sees a completely different picture than the visiting spectator. The visitor sees beautiful flowers, curated bushes, trimmed branches… But the gardener sees something else. He sees which sapling needs extra care, which flower needs to be tended to, which tree is growing too close to another one and needs to be separated to allow both of them to blossom properly.

“A mashgiach doesn’t only see the beauty of the macro picture, he sees the needs of each individual bachur and yungerman; which one needs an extra word of chizuk, which one needs to be separated from the other. He’s preoccupied with those who aren’t yet growing to their fullest.”

Rav Soleveitchik stopped walking and turned to look young Shmuel Hirth in the eye. “Ich bin a gartener. A rosh yeshivah doesn’t have time to enjoy the way his yeshivah looks. He needs to be focused on the needs of each individual talmid.”

Today, close to 40 years later, the Brisker rosh yeshivah’s advice guides Rav Hirth as he stands at the helm of a yeshivah of his own. With his gentle smile and warm eyes, Rav Hirth shared with me some tips and techniques to motivate bachurim to blossom fully.

Before beginning to answer my questions, Rabbi Hirth quotes another one of the gedolei Torah he was zocheh to be koneh from—Rav Shach. After finishing beis medrash in Yeshivah Torah Temimah at a relatively young age, Rabbi Hirth headed to Eretz Yisrael. He went to learn in Ponevezh for a year before going to Yeshivas Brisk. There, he heard daily shiur from Rav Dovid Povarsky. Aside from the shiur klali he heard from Rav Shach, Shmuel also heard monthly shmuessen from Rav Shach, fiery mussar drashos that are seared into his neshamah.

“It’s hard to forget those shmuessen,” Rabbi Hirth reflects. “Then already, Rav Shach was very, very old. Seeing such a gadol, who was carrying Klal Yisrael on his shoulders, giving over the dmus of a ben yeshivah made an indelible impression.

“It’s known that when Rav Shach would give advice, he would preface with one word, l’daati, in my opinion.” There’s no one today who can answer every question unequivocally, Rabbi Hirth explains. We can only answer a question how we see fit.

 “A rosh yeshivah doesn’t have time to enjoy the way his yeshivah looks. He needs to be focused on the needs of each individual talmid”

“The same is true about all we will discuss today.” Rabbi Hirth smiles.

 

Can the rosh yeshivah explain the shift in a parent’s role as their sons enter mesivta years?

As they grow from boys to men, our sons mature not just physically, but also emotionally. They become people of their own, they develop an identity of their own. It has its virtues and its pitfalls, but it’s a fact, and it plays itself out in many ways.

It’s normal if a bachur isn’t interested in sharing as much as he used to. It doesn’t mean he’s cutting you out of his life; he’s just finding his place. Still, as parents, it’s our role to do our best to continue building the relationship, even if we feel like our role is getting diminished. At the same time, they also look to their rebbeim for more guidance than while in cheder.

Their rebbeim teach them more than the shiur; they share vital hashkafos and raise their talmidim’s she’ifos. Having a good kesher with the rebbeim goes a long way. It helps you stay on top of where your son is holding. Put in the extra effort. Reach out to them, listen to them, follow their advice. A connection with your son’s rebbi is what allows you to stay involved. As an aside, if you feel your son needs his space, you don’t have to let on how involved you are. Throw in a word of encouragement here and there and leave it at that.

These child-parent dynamics vary from family to family and can be different with different children. Some fathers learn with their bachurim every Shabbos. Not all boys are interested in that, and that’s totally normal too.

Some mothers await their son’s arrival each night with some cookies. It’s a good idea to be there for him, to share a little about your day and inquire a little about his. Parents must play it by ear.

 

So what is a parent’s role if they’re no longer the primary source of chinuch?

They may not be the primary mechanchim, but they still have a very important role. Usually, a bachur tends to follow his parents’ lead. This is true even when he thinks he’s a man of his own. He’s looking out for your cues. If he sees you’re excited with his shteiging, he’ll be encouraged. If you want him to shteig, he must see that his parents really care about Torah.

This is especially true about the Yiddishe mammes. Rabbeinu Bacheye (Parshas Yisro) writes that Hashem commanded Moshe Rabbeinu to speak to the women first before Matan Torah because they—with their unique emotional strengths—have the power to inspire their children toward Torah. She can instill in him gagu’im, “yearning” for learning Torah, to become a true ben Torah. It’s the mother who is charged with davening that her sons grow up to be talmidei chachamim, Rabbeinu Bacheye concludes.

How can a mother instill these gagu’im? By showing him how much his learning is chashuv. When you heard he had hatzlachah in yeshivah, tell your other children about it. Let him see you take pride.

The father can take him to the sefarim store to buy the best sefarim he needs.

Rav Shach’s grandson once told his zeide that he planned on returning a set of Teshuvos Rav Akiva Eiger, since he got two of the same set.

“Mein kind,” Rav Shach said, stroking the boy’s hand, “We don’t give back a Rav Akiva Eiger.”

He repeated it a few times, reiterating that Torah is so precious. We don’t just exchange one set for another one. This type of interactions makes deep impressions on our bachurim.

 

 

How can parents of bachurim not yet in mesivta prepare their sons for their mesivta years?

Since much of our children’s growth is through his rebbi, and noticed best by his rebbi, parents should do their best to maintain a positive, open relationship with the rebbi. This way, they can discuss the boy’s hatzlachah in a productive manner. Not always is it easy. At times, a parent may feel the need to advocate for their son. But still, maintaining a good relationship with the rebbi is key to maintaining your son’s shteiging to the fullest.

Another point to keep in mind, and this goes together with the previous one, is that parents must make sure their son is up to par academically. The ninth grade rebbi won’t be teaching the skills taught in seventh grade. If your son is struggling with something, be sure to address it now. Speak to your son’s rebbi so you can know that your son is ready not only for the farher, but to enter mesivta with all the necessary tools.

 

What are some struggles bachurim face that parents should be aware of?

There are the ones that may have been there since he was a child. A learning issue doesn’t go away. If your son had an issue in elementary school, be sure to stay on top of it now.

But there are newer issues that come up as your son matures.

Growth in Torah and avodas Hashem has so many levels, and it could, at times, be frustrating. You finish a perek, but your friend finished two. You said a good sevarah, but your chavrusa said a better one. These are real struggles bachurim have to contend with. The goalposts are constantly moving.

It’s not only seeing your friend. Just learning on your own can sometimes bring this challenge. I once heard a shmuess from Rav Shach about this. The Torah is larger than anything imaginable. It’s imposing. It takes time for a bachur to realize his true kochos, the mehalach that works for him best, his own chelek in Torah. And until then, it can be daunting.

Even the greatest baal kishron can struggle in mesivta. He might be coming up with novel chiddushim that don’t agree with his rebbi’s teaching method. Perhaps, one day, he’ll be a renowned baal mechadesh. But for now, he doesn’t conform.

 

How can we as parents make sure that our children stay focused in the beis medrash and not outward?

I once saw a haskamah written by Rav Meir Soloveitchik, in which he writes about someone that he’s “Kol kulo mechunas b’dalet amos shel halachah—completely ensconced in the four amos of Torah.” That is, or should be, our goal. To raise bnei Torah who are kol kulo in the dalet amos shel halachah and not chas v’shalom to lead them to distractions.

 

My brachah to my bachurim is always the same, “You should be in the beis medrash all your life”

The nisyonos of today make this a real challenge. There are so many distractions to take a boy’s head away from learning. But we have to know, they have to know, that it’s not all or none. Each step away from these distractions is a step closer to being completely engrossed by Torah. Each additional distraction is a step away from the goal.

This is important, because most yeshivos have rules and gedarim to keep the bachurim focused. For example: no phones, no texting, etc. But the rules are only the uniform standards. They aren’t the beginning nor the end. If a bachur accepts the ol Torah even more than the rules require, that’s praiseworthy. If a bachur breaks a rule, he must know that although he did something wrong, he shouldn’t give up on the goal entirely. He must do the best he can to stay mechunas b’soch dalet amos shel halachah.

For that reason, I’m not a big fan of bachurim driving. Why give them another distraction? They’ll have time later in life to be forced to accept these distractions. For now, let them remain fully focused in the beis medrash.

It’s also important that parents be wary about what their bachurim are doing out of yeshivah. While in yeshivah, the rules are enforced. But what happens when the boys go home? If he has access to things he shouldn’t, there’s no way for the yeshivah to stop it. The parents must be on top of it. Do they know where he’s going? Who he’s going with? What he might see or do there?

My brachah to my bachurim is always the same, “You should be in the beis medrash all your life.” It’s our hope and goal; it’s what we say twice each day during Elul. Shivti b’veis Hashem kol yemei chayai. The parents can help us reach it.

 

What goals should a bachur set at the beginning of the year?

There’s an interesting story of when the Rosh Yeshivah, Rav Aharon, once went to the Chafetz Chaim while he was learning Yevamos. The Chafetz Chaim looked at Rav Aharon and said, “Az men heibt un a masechta, endigd men di masechta—If you start a masechta, you must finish it.” For some reason, Rav Aharon hadn’t finished the entire masechta at that point, and the Chafetz Chaim sensed it.

Finishing the masechta is a very good goal, if a bachur can. If he can’t do the whole thing, let him at least finish a sizable part of it. It gives you a shleimus and helps you understand.

Regarding working on your middos, it’s hard to say; not always is it the right time—certain middos need to be worked on at an older age.

But if a bachur has a relationship with his rebbi, he can speak to him and get the proper guidance.

I can say that I once heard a fascinating shmuess from Rav Shach on this topic. He quoted the Gemara that no one, not the chachamim, not the neviim, not even the malachim, was able to explain why the Churban happened, until Hashem Himself revealed that it was because Klal Yisrael didn’t recite birchas haTorah.

“How can we have taanah on Klal Yisrael if only Hashem knew the problem?

“Because a person himself knows what he needs to fix! A person knows good and well his shortcomings and which area needs to be fixed. Besser vi di greste navi, besser vi di greste malach!”

Rav Shach was so taken by this vort that when he finished, he banged on the shtender and exclaimed, “If you’re not jumping out of your seats, you don’t understand what I’m saying! The walls in my room shook when I came up with this pshat!”

 

How can parents know if their son is having a problem in mesivta?

First of all, it’s important to note that what a parent sees at home is not necessarily a reflection of what’s happening in yeshivah. If he comes home and you don’t see him learning hours on end over Shabbos, that may just be because he feels Shabbos is his downtime. Speak to his rebbi. If he says he’s learning well, let him be. He’ll grow into himself eventually. We hope for our bachurim to learn always, but sometimes that takes time.

That being said, there are some worrying signs. If your son very anxious or more withdrawn, that should be a sign to call the rebbi to talk it over with him. Perhaps the shiur is too difficult. Perhaps the peer pressure is too high. If his ruchniyus isn’t where it used to be, in an obvious manner, that should raise your antennae. If we keep our eyes open, focused on the growth of each of our saplings, we can hope with siyata d’Shmaya to reap nachas for years to come.

 

 

Malky’s melody

It’s impossible to write about Rav Shmuel without mentioning the story of his incredible daughter Malky a”h. Malky was only two years old when she got diagnosed with a life-threatening illness in 2012. For the next five plus years, Malky didn’t only fight for her life, she taught so many what life really is.

She was a paradigm of strength, a source of chizuk and inspiration way beyond her years. She had a way with words that made her sound more like a mature, learned woman. Years later, the doctors and nurses who cared for her speak in hushed tones about the young girl with an “old soul.”

When her sisters asked what they could do as a zechus for her, she replied, “Tznius with your mouth and with your body.” She was makpid on saying Asher Yatzar slowly, one word at a time, with her eyes closed tightly. She was meticulous with kashrus, with brachos, with davening…

She sometimes spoke to the bachurim of the yeshivah. Once, shortly before Rosh Chodesh Adar, she told them that in Adar a Yid is supposed to be happy. Torah is what makes you truly happy, and they should learn more during the new month.

The last Friday night of Malky’s life found her in the hospital, her entire body compromised. After making Kiddush, Rav Shmuel tasted the grape juice and realized it was somewhat spoiled, and he told his daughter to skip the Kiddush that week.

“Uh, nu…” Malky pointed to her mouth, indicating that she would not speak before she drank something. It was only when a new bottle of grape juice was brought from the Bikur Cholim room and she took a sip that she allowed herself to speak.

Her melody was a song of joy, of triumph, of fearless bitachon in the face of the hardest of challenges.

She passed away on the 19^th of Shevat, 2017, at the age of seven.

And amazingly, Rav Shmuel tells me that his family looks back at that period with nostalgia. The family became so close, they grew and learned so much, from having this special neshamah with them. Today, Malky’s story, her melody, continues to inspire and encourage.