Q: I’m a believer in limiting new purchases and making effective use of what I already own. The culture of nonstop shopping really gets to me. My children don’t feel the same way. They want me to buy whatever their hearts’ desire. Even my older children, whom I would expect to be more mature, want to shop and shop. How can I pass my money values and inspiration to limit materialism on to my children? Times have changed so much that I sometimes wonder if this is even a value anymore.

A: I totally get how you feel when you ask if this is even a value anymore. It’s a fact that being careful not to waste money was way more of a thing years ago. Back in the 1970s it was a common practice among homemakers to wash out empty pickle jars and reuse them as food storage containers. People took pride in being thrifty.

When I first got married, one of the popular cookbooks for newlyweds began with a chapter offering money-saving kitchen tips. Those cookbooks are long gone, but one suggestion remained in my head. The author recommended choosing one day of the week as oven day. Once the oven is hot, you should bake whatever you need for the week rather than waste energy (money) on heating the oven once for baking cake and then again on a separate day for challah or kugel. Nowadays, who could imagine making such calculations just to save on heating up the oven?

Do you remember when children would keep their pencils and crayons in empty baby wipes containers instead of having supply boxes? Everyone above 50 enjoys a trip down memory lane and can surely think of numerous examples of hacks people used to minimize their expenses. For younger readers, asking about the ways that your parents or grandparents used to stretch a dollar can be a real eye opener and an interesting conversation starter. With the economic realities of 2025, these cost-cutting practices wouldn’t make sense. Yes, much has changed.

As ovdei Hashem, however, we try not to shape our priorities according to the times. We don’t fluctuate with the trends, rather we stick to the guidelines that Hashem set forth for us and the truths that are timeless. So take heart; no matter the level of conspicuous consumption around us, histapkus b’muat—being satisfied with less—remains relevant.

The Voice readership runs the gamut of economic realities, upbringings, and social circles, so you may think this is an impossible subject to discuss in such a venue. Interestingly, despite the diverse audience, as Torah Yidden, there are core values that pertain to us all. That being said, how do we pass on the value of moderation in gashmiyus—the amenities of this world— to our children? Let’s examine where there is room for teaching our children materialistic restraint.

Values for ourselves/our children to internalize

1. Responsible spending: When children ask for an extra that we don’t think we should buy, avoid using the predictable excuse of “It’s too expensive.” That insinuates that if we had more money, we would make the purchase. Instead, take the moment to explore and explain the values that are at the root of your decision. In most cases, it’s not all about the money, and if your child actually needed the item, you would have the funds to cover it. Even when we can afford an expensive item of clothing, trip, or toy, we should take into account that money is a gift from Hashem. We need to spend it wisely. If a purchase or service is wasteful, we should save the money for important expenditures that add value to our lives like tzedakah, simchos, klal work, self-improvement projects, and helping others.
2. Considering the feelings of others: It behooves us to be super appreciative of all the bounty that Hashem gives us. If you have abundance, conveniences, or cleaning help, remember to thank Hashem and realize how good we have it. At the same time, consider that when we indulge or raise the bar, we make it harder for others who aren’t able to do the same. When your child receives a fancy toy or nosh, teach them not to bring it to school or show it to neighbors who may not have this type of item. Older children can be taught to be sensitive and not discuss activities they engage in that may make certain friends or neighbors feel left out.
3. Check your interest: Most importantly, the Chovos Halevavos explains that a person can’t serve two masters. Gashmiyus and ruchniyus—materialism and spirituality—have an inverse relationship. As one goes up, the other goes down. Minimizing materialism helps us to tune into spirituality at whichever rung of the prosperity ladder we’re on. Spend your emotional involvement on serving Hashem and on the people in your life. Not on inanimate objects. There is an entire world of chessed opportunities to get involved with. Our children are cognizant of what excites us versus what we consider merely a necessary part of life.

From our sages

The Lev Eliyahu shares this parable: An individual visits two of his friends, Reuven and Shimon, in their homes. In Reuven’s home, he sees a large, ornate medicine cabinet full to the brim with assorted types of medication. When he goes to Shimon, all he sees on a high bathroom shelf is one lone bottle of Tylenol. This man turns to Shimon and says, “I feel terrible. I didn’t know that you were in such dire straits. I wish you had approached me and told me that you need financial help to buy more medicine. When I was at Reuven’s house, I noticed that he’s fully stocked with a large array of medication for any and every ailment, and you have just one meager bottle of Tylenol!” Upon hearing this, the second friend, Shimon, burst out with laughter. “Don’t you realize that Reuven has a family full of sick people? In my house everyone is well, and we have no need for medication.”

It’s the same with worldly pleasures. An excess of couture, fine cuisine, exotic vacations, and the latest fads are often a form of medicine for those suffering from the terrible diseases of inferiority complexes, jealousy, desires, and honor seeking. Those who don’t feel good about themselves internally seek external validation through their belongings. This phenomenon is referred to as “compensatory consumption.” This explains why using possessions as a crutch for a sense of self peaks during adolescence, just when self-esteem tends to be the lowest.

Possessed

Self-esteem is inversely correlated with materialism, purchasing expensive brands, and valuing possessions. This negative link between a sense of self and materialistic values has been demonstrated in surveys and experimental studies. Examples abound; here’s a quick one. University students who’ve done poorly during a semester and received grades substantially lower than their usual marks were more likely to express a desire for visiting “prestigious and fashionable” vacation destinations then the students in the control group.

Addressing self-esteem

There are mothers who—with pure intentions—spend an astronomical amount of time and attention to dressing their children well in the hope that this will make their children feel secure with themselves. Children intuit the truth and understand this to be the Band-Aid that it is. The source of a person’s satisfaction with themselves stems from an appreciation of their true value and their own innate goodness. When we guide children to making proper choices and are mechanech them to behave in an exemplary manner, they will feel good about themselves because they actually are good! When we teach them (as mentioned above) to be sensitive to the feelings of others by not showing off their possessions, that goes further toward developing their sense of self rather than dressing them up. When a mother fusses with her child’s outfit and hair each time they want to run outside to play, it creates self-consciousness in the space where a child would naturally feel freedom and joy. Character above clothing!

It’s up to us

A subtle way that we can influence the outcome of the ruchniyus vs. gashmiyus tug of war is by being circumspect with our compliments. When we come home from a simchah, if our children hear us gush about the aesthetics of the event, we’re unwittingly putting the focus of the simchah in the wrong place. A wedding is about a chosson and kallah committing to be there for each other and striving to build a wonderful home where the Shechinah dwells. This is a momentous occasion, and focusing on the gowns and oohing and aahing about the flowers is glorifying gashmiyus and placing it center stage. Instead, challenge yourself to say something meaningful to the ba’alai simchah. “The kallah is such a refined ba’alas middos. Hashem should give her amazing hatzlachah in building her new home.” “I’m so happy for you; your daughter is such a gem, and I heard she got a chosson who’s just as special.” Allow your children to see where we put our emphasis.

Quote: “It’s easy to meet my expenses—they are everywhere I go!”

Rav Yomtov Landman gave permission for me to share this episode from his youth. Not long after the Yom Kippur war, when he was a young boy of five, his family moved to Eretz Yisrael. The Jewish Agency was encouraging aliyah and issued them free tickets on the Queen Elizabeth, a seven-story luxury cruise ship. Yomtov’s father stayed behind in New York to wrap up some technicalities. Their belongings had been sent ahead in a lift, so in the days leading up to the grand voyage, they had been managing with minimal possessions. By the time his mother boarded the ship with her four youngsters in tow, they were a worn-out, bedraggled looking group. When it was time for their first meal, the children were hungry, overtired, and hyper with excitement over their opulent surroundings. When the family reached the dining room, the maître d’ looked Mrs. Rochel Landman and her children up and down, lifted his chin in the air, and instructed, “You belong in the general dining room, three flights down; this here is first class.”

Following his directions, the children all traipsed after their mother to the general dining room. Mrs. Landman handed her meal tickets to the fellow at the door who looked at the tickets and exclaimed, “Madam, you have first class tickets! You’ll find a table waiting for you in the grand ballroom on the seventh floor.” With four hungry children, she had no choice but to present herself once more to the original maître d’. This time, he inspected their meal tickets and begrudgingly called over a waiter to escort the Landmans to their table. The other diners, dressed in tuxedos and ballgowns, were stunned into silence as they stared openly at the newcomers being seated. It was in this awkward silence that the Landman family heard a man whisper, “Son, let me explain. There are the wealthy, and then there are the extreme wealthy. Those people over there are so wealthy that they dress however they want without giving a hoot about what others think!”

Torah-true Yidden are the real wealthy. Let’s hold our heads high and not fall for the emptiness that others may try to sell us.

From the trenches

A mother shares: While shopping locally, I picked up a green and white striped casual top and asked my daughter, “What do you think of this?” My daughter wrinkled her nose, and I agreed that I didn’t like it either. I then showed my daughter the $420 price tag. “Would you even glance at this top if it were hanging in Walmart for $12?” The two of us shared a laugh at the folly of brand names.

 

Mrs. Seryl Berman teaches in Shiras Devorah H.S. and is the creator of the popular Nachas B’Nachas parenting program. Thousands of women have gained tremendously from this foundational course as well as through her private coaching. You can too! For details, pricing, appointments, or to leave a question or comment for this column, feel free to call the automated Infoline at 848-227-7200.