Avrohom Leffler

Wine, matzah, and… dialectics?

Yes! Dialectics can be a huge part of the Pesach process, whether in regard to preparation or being able to enjoy the Yom Tov itself.

But what is dialectics? I know it sounds like a really exotic and sophisticated word, but is it a real word? And can it really make such a difference?

The answer is a definitive and resounding yes. Let’s define what it means and how it can be used practically.

Dialectics tells us that two seemingly opposing things can be true at the same time. There can be multiple truths. In fact, there are very few things that are absolute truths! (Those being, of course, Hashem, the Torah, etc.) And the Torah itself is tremendously dialectical. Torah shebichsav and Torah sheb’al peh—there are many explanations for things. There is a concept of having a machlokes, two totally different viewpoints, and both are “eilu v’eilu divrei Elokim Chaim.” Other examples are that a person can be accepting and working to change; we can validate others and acknowledge that they made a mistake and could do better. A person can be doing the best they can and do better. You can disagree with the rules and also follow the rules. There can be acceptance and change.

In short, being dialectical can help us be more flexible, see the truth in both sides, let go of extremes, balance opposites, and embrace change. It’s a very powerful way to live and allows us to be more validating to ourselves and to others. It helps us find the middle ground instead of being stubborn or getting stuck.

Think about it. Pesach itself is an unbelievably dialectical Yom Tov. It’s a Yom Tov of freedom. And a Yom Tov of tons of halachos and being so stringent. Not only are both true, but one can argue that the very existence of laws and framework is actually a huge part of real freedom. (And this can really be true of all aspects of being servants to Hashem, and our relationship with Hashem overall. On one hand, we feel so much joy and connection to Hashem even though there are so many halachos. Hashem is so, so loving, yet so exacting and the True Judge. Again, Dialectics 101!)

One of the major themes of Pesach is, of course, matzah. It represents freedom and is also lechem oni. Poor people eat matzah because they can’t afford chametz. Yet it’s also eaten by rich people, by kings, because they don’t have to wait for their bread to rise! And we also have the dual concepts of geulah (redemption) and galus (exile). We focus on the past and learn from it, while at the same time, we act with tremendous malchus, like kings and free people. Isn’t it amazing to see the dialectical nature of Pesach? And really, Yiddishkeit is like this overall.

Let’s move on a bit and see what this looks like during Pesach, the Seder, and the whole year!

Many of us are used to doing things a certain way, whether it’s a recipe, what we eat on Pesach, or how we run the Seder—including pace, how many divrei Torah (yes, our precious kids coming home with beautiful Haggados that are so big they don’t fit through the front door!), and what time to eat the afikoman by. Of course, all very important and halachos and minhagim are sacrosanct. And, what is also true is that there are many ways to do things, and all can have truth! The real question may be, What does Hashem want from us in this situation?

So for instance, Rabbi Cohen is used to having long, drawn-out Sedarim that last far into the night. Amazing! But his kids fall asleep, or his wife is very tired and would rather proceed at a quicker pace first night. So Rabbi Cohen may be used to viewing this as “in my family, this is always how we have done things. This is the right way!” And there is truth to that! Or he can also try to validate and see the value in another perspective: that he can have a beautiful Seder even if it’s shorter. And there can also be tremendous value to that as well. Both are true. Instead of getting stuck in a world of “shoulds” or “right and wrong,” we can shift to a world of and. For example: “I would prefer to have a long Seder, and what’s also true is that it may be more effective to have a quicker Seder.” Way more flexible. And way more effective.

Let’s jump to Chol Hamoed. People may have different ways to spend the day. For adults, it may be to relax, learn, daven, or cook! For kids, it may be very different ideas. And even among all the kids, there will be numerous different opinions. If we can move away from a world of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts,” of right and wrong, and instead shift to a world of realizing there is value in many different perspectives and all can have truth, we will likely be more calm and flexible, allowing us to reach a great outcome.

The truth is that this is really relevant the whole year. Whether with homework, whether with how we think relationship styles should be, or whether with judging people, there is a plethora of life situations in which this is relevant. What a fantastic and life-changing goal it would be if we could validate the truth in both, if we could be more flexible, if we could be more dialectical.

One of my favorite mantras is “It’s all in the dialectics.” It’s not black or white, all or nothing. It depends on many factors; it’s a dynamic and ever-changing process, and a flexible reality can emerge.

So let’s leave a world of being rigid and instead enter a more flexible and calming one, a more Torahdig existence of being more calm and having more menuchas hanefesh. This way, we can reap the benefits of being dialectical.

Wishing you all a wonderful Yom Tov!

Avrohom Leffler, LCSW, is the clinical director of the Better Center and also maintains a private practice. He is also a sought-after writer, lecturer, and speaker about all things therapy, mental health, and wellness. He can be reached at [email protected] or 732-213-0107.