{"id":2444,"date":"2023-01-03T10:07:28","date_gmt":"2023-01-03T15:07:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/?p=2444"},"modified":"2023-01-03T10:07:28","modified_gmt":"2023-01-03T15:07:28","slug":"farhers-and-your-sons-future","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/farhers-and-your-sons-future\/","title":{"rendered":"Farhers and Your Son’s Future"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

: Navigating the Fast-Paced Process of Mesivta<\/em> Enrollment<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rabbi Yitzchok Landa<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Photos by Jacob Elbogen<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A parent\u2019s role in guiding the development of their children toward becoming bnei<\/em> and bnos<\/em> Torah<\/em> is riddled with many milestones that must be achieved, each with a certain amount of anxiety. For many, \u201cgetting in\u201d to an appropriate yeshivah is a challenge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With over 50,000 children in at least 200 Torah schools in Lakewood and the numbers of both constantly growing, the world of chinuch<\/em> is daunting to those who are not in it, and sometimes even to those who are. The process of applying, testing, and enrollment in mesivta<\/em> is fast-paced, often with less than a week separating the time the first student arrives for his interview from the moment the last spot is filled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What can parents do to help set their sons up for long-term success?The Voice <\/em>sat down with a panel of veterans of the process for an enlightening conversation on the system and how best to navigate it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meet the panelists: Rabbi Eliyohu Meir Schmelczer, sgan<\/em> menahel<\/em> of Yeshiva Orchos Chaim; Rabbi Zvi Bender, menahel<\/em> of Yeshiva Ohr Yehuda; Rabbi Aryeh Leib Smith, menahel<\/em> of Cheder Toras Zev; and an unnamed rosh<\/em> yeshivah<\/em> of a mesivta<\/em> in Lakewood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keys to success<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When asked for the keys to navigating the system successfully, the menahalim<\/em> and rosh<\/em> yeshivah<\/em> speak with one voice. \u201cTefillah<\/em>,\u201d is the unanimous answer. \u201cParents and mechanchim<\/em> always need to daven <\/em>for the successful chinuch<\/em> of their children at every step of the way. And it works.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

From a hishtadlus<\/em> perspective, the menahalim<\/em> see communication with the elementary schools as key. \u201cThe menahel<\/em> and eighth-grade rebbi<\/em> are your guides,\u201d Rabbi Schmelczer says. \u201cThey have relationships with the mesivtos<\/em>, understand the yeshivos, and understand your son. Most of all, they know what he needs to be successful. Stay in constant touch with the menahel <\/em>and rebbi<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe parents and bachurim<\/em> that stay in touch with their cheder<\/em> menahel<\/em> throughout the process are almost always satisfied with the result,\u201d Rabbi Smith adds. \u201cThose who don\u2019t keep in touch are often frustrated with the system and result.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The process: an overview<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a prologue to the acceptance story, consultations are held between yeshivos and parents. The first direct step in mesivta<\/em> acceptance is the application. Parents are advised to apply to three or four mesivtos<\/em> well in advance of the opening of registration. Next, over a span of a fewdays around Tu B\u2019Shevat, mesivtos<\/em> will conduct interviews (farhers<\/em>) with all their applicants. The decision whether to accept a candidate is based heavily on the farher<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Immediately after the first farher<\/em> begins the period that the menahalim<\/em> call \u201cin the heat.\u201d Mesivtos<\/em> will state their impressions to the parents, and, if accepted, ask for a verbal commitment to enroll. At this time, some adjustments are made as mesivtos<\/em> finalize the majority of their enrollment and determine how many seats they have for the \u201csecond round,\u201d which is acceptances that come soon after. Within a few days, most mesivtos<\/em> have their enrollment finalized, and the \u201cheat\u201d is over. Any bachur<\/em> that did not get accepted yet, or did not finalize an enrollment, will now have to move on to their third or fourth choice, and all will find their place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe system works for almost everybody,\u201d one menahel <\/em>emphasizes. \u201cIf a bachur<\/em> has not yet found a yeshivah by the end of the year, it usually means there were outside or other circumstances which prevented him from being accepted.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s learn about these steps, one by one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where to apply?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

With over 50 mesivtos<\/em> to choose from, how does one know where to apply?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cRight here, we see the importance of communicating with the menahel<\/em> and eighth-grade rebbi<\/em>,\u201d Rabbi Schmelczer says. \u201cThere may be fifty mesivtos<\/em>, but only a handful are noge\u2019a<\/em> for your son. The menahel<\/em> and rebbi<\/em> are likely best positioned to know which ones they are.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

About a month before applications are expected, menahalim<\/em> confer with eighth-grade rebbe\u2019im<\/em> to review each talmid<\/em>. They will then meet in person or over the phone with parents individually to make their recommendations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How are the suggestions selected? Mesivtos<\/em> differ in many ways\u2014most significantly, in the level of learning expected of their talmidim<\/em>. It is important to find a mesivta<\/em> at which your son will be challenged but not lost. \u201cFor many boys (though not all), it is better to be a rosh<\/em> l\u2019shualim<\/em> (head of the foxes),\u201d a mesivta<\/em> rosh<\/em> yeshivah<\/em> explains. \u201cAlthough Chazal recommend being the zanav<\/em> l\u2019arayos<\/em> (tail of the lions), that may be meant for adults, not for bachurim<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are other factors as well. \u201cSome mesivtos<\/em> have an intensive schedule and personality; others are more \u2018laid-back,\u2019\u201d Rabbi Smith points out. \u201cSome are very warm, and some are more academic. They may have differing views on bein<\/em> hazmanim<\/em> and bein<\/em> hasedarim<\/em>. Learning styles can be different\u2014some focus more on iyun<\/em>, while others move faster. Some have more in the way of smaller limudim<\/em> such as Halachah, Navi<\/em>, Chumash, mussar<\/em>, and hashkafah<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere\u2019s also the question of limudei<\/em> chol<\/em>,\u201d Rabbi Schmelczer adds. Parents should consider if they want to send to a yeshivah that offers mandatory secular studies, optional GED studies, or none at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The \u201ctype\u201d of bachur <\/em>that generally attends the mesivta<\/em> should also be considered\u2014your son must be able to be successful culturally, socially, and academically.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Often, parents will be disappointed with the list of options, preferring to aim for a more distinguished choice than the yeshivah has recommended. The menahalim<\/em> emphasize that this would be a mistake. \u201cThere are many different levels of learning,\u201d Rabbi Bender says. \u201cThe mesivta<\/em> has to be a good fit. There have been situations where a parent, for whatever reason, was able to get his son into a higher-level yeshivah than was appropriate and very quickly regretted it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A bit of realism is required here. Rabbi Bender warns that applying to unrealistic yeshivos can complicate matters later. \u201cDon\u2019t apply only to yeshivos that \u2018take a miracle\u2019 to get into,\u201d he advises. \u201cChoose yeshivos that fit and where you can be accepted.\u201d This should ideally be so for all three or four, but many people will apply to at least one that is a bit of a long shot. At the least, one should be the best fit and one should be a fallback option where acceptance is relatively certain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cParents who don\u2019t overshoot are almost always happy in the end,\u201d Rabbi Schmelczer notes. \u201cThey may have not liked the choice\u2014although it is an excellent mesivta<\/em>\u2014but they were fortunate to get in even there, and in the end they are happy. Afterward, they ask, \u2018How did you know?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many parents will want a second or third opinion and will do their own research. The menahalim<\/em> and rebbe\u2019im<\/em> encourage this but note that the cheder<\/em>\u2019s impression and opinion must carry weight. Familiarity with the bachur<\/em> is essential to a good recommendation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOften, the conversation in the coffee room or with the night-seder<\/em> tutor will reinforce what the rebbi<\/em> said,\u201d Rabbi Smith points out. \u201cBut the perspective regarding the bachur<\/em> over time and in a classroom setting cannot be replaced.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A cheder<\/em> menahel<\/em> and an involved rebbi<\/em> also understand other factors, beyond the bachur<\/em> himself, which affect the likelihood of getting into a mesivta<\/em>. There is the question of applicants, available slots, competition, and intended diversity within the mesivta<\/em>. There is also the question of \u201cgetting in.\u201d The most perfect mesivta<\/em> in the world is irrelevant to someone who won\u2019t be accepted there. The menahel<\/em> and rebbi <\/em>will recommend mesivtos<\/em> that are not only fitting, but also practical to \u201cget into.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After meeting and discussing the topic with their son\u2019s yeshivah, it is up to the parents and the bachur<\/em> to decide which yeshivos to apply to. At this point, parents should familiarize themselves intimately with the mesivtos<\/em> on the short list. This means gaining in-person, practical eyeballs on the yeshivah.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe father should go to each mesivta<\/em> on the list and sit down in the beis<\/em> medrash<\/em>,\u201d Rabbi Smith recommends. \u201cYou will very quickly get a feel for the mesivta<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some go during night seder<\/em>, but Rabbi Schmelczer recommends going outside of organized class time, such as for Minchah break.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And don\u2019t think the mesivta<\/em> is not going to notice you. \u201cGo dressed as you would for the farher<\/em>,\u201d Rabbi Schmelczer adds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Factoring in new mesivtos<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Lakewood today, many new mesivtos<\/em> open each year. Last year alone saw no less than nine mesivtos<\/em> open their doors for the first time. How should one view new mesivtos<\/em>? Are they an opportunity to get in easily on the ground floor or a risky gamble with your son\u2019s future?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It would be an easy question if we knew what the future held, but decisions have to be made now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNew mesivtos<\/em> can be a very good option,\u201d Rabbi Smith says. \u201cI\u2019ve seen bachurim<\/em> get into high-quality mesivtos<\/em>, much better than they could have otherwise, because they were new. Sign up and register right away, when the new mesivta<\/em> is still nervous about enrollment, and you can get into a mesivta<\/em> that will be extremely difficult to get into later.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But how can you be sure that mesivta<\/em> will be right for your son? Rabbi Schmelczer is not overly concerned. \u201cThe rebbe\u2019im<\/em> in the new mesivtos<\/em> are usually experienced, with many years of teaching and reputation behind them. There is much you can find out about the rebbi<\/em>, the rosh<\/em> yeshivah<\/em>, and the menahel<\/em> based on their past positions. You can make sure the fit is good. In my opinion, parents should strongly consider a new mesivta<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Will the yeshivah \u201cmake it?\u201d \u201cMost mesivtos<\/em> that open, stay open,\u201d Rabbi Schmelczer says, \u201cand the new ones will be able to cater to each bachur<\/em> in a manner that becomes more difficult as they grow larger.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The rosh<\/em> mesivta<\/em> has a different perspective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSending to a new yeshivah can be a bit risky,\u201d he says. \u201cThe mesivta<\/em> is experimenting on your son and hasn\u2019t necessarily figured it out yet. A star rebbi<\/em>, even with many years\u2019 experience in the classroom, doesn\u2019t necessarily intuitively know how to be a menahel<\/em> or rosh<\/em> yeshivah<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA new mesivta<\/em> can be a great opportunity, but there is an element of risk. You have to decide whether that is a position you want to be in, and you must weigh the risk versus reward factor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Applications<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once they\u2019ve narrowed down their choices to three or four mesivtos<\/em>, the parents will call the mesivtos<\/em> and ask for an application.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Decisions must be made very quickly once the \u201cheat\u201d begins. \u201cThis is one of the challenges with the current system,\u201d the rosh yeshivah <\/em>comments. \u201cNot too long ago, parents and yeshivos had a week or two to make this vital decision with yishuv<\/em> hada\u2019as<\/em>. Today, everyone needs an answer within hours, and many feel like they didn\u2019t have time to think it through.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The best way to deal with this challenge is to have a clear first, second, and third choice before farhers<\/em> even begin. The first choice should not be a mesivta<\/em> that requires a \u201cstretch\u201d to be deemed fitting, but one that will be a good fit and likely to accept the talmid<\/em>. If this mesivta<\/em> issues a quick acceptance, the entire period of doubt can be avoided. Often, a \u201cyes\u201d is received before the bachur<\/em> has taken all of his farhers<\/em>, and if he responds right away, the rest can be canceled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep in mind that some mesivtos<\/em> will want to know whether they are the first choice. If they are not, they will be less likely to accept the bachur<\/em>. No one wants to accept a boy and be turned down and then need to reach out to other applicants in the second round of acceptance. When parents have a clear, relevant first choice that is likely, they can confidently tell mesivtos<\/em> which is the first choice and which is not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What mesivtos are looking for<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mesivtos<\/em> review the application and contact the yeshivah<\/em> from which the applicant is applying. Several days before the farher<\/em> season opens, someone from the mesivta<\/em> will call the parents to schedule a farher<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mesivtos<\/em> base about 85 percent of their decision on the farher<\/em>, Rabbi Schmelczer explains. \u201cThis means not only how well the boy reads the gemara<\/em> and answers questions, but how he presents himself at the farher<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What can be seen on the farher<\/em>? \u201cThe bochen<\/em> can get a very clear idea of a talmid<\/em>\u2019s level in learning based on the farher<\/em>,\u201d Rabbi Schmelczer says. \u201cIt is very rare for a boy to fool the bochen<\/em> by preparing the daf<\/em> or two very well.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rabbi Bender adds that \u201cthey don\u2019t only ask about the daf<\/em> or two that the talmid<\/em> prepared; there will always be a question or two on other dafim <\/em>as well.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t some boys get flustered and blank out from the pressure? Can a farher<\/em> seriously understate a bachur<\/em>\u2019s abilities?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rabbi Shmelzcer doesn\u2019t think so. \u201cThey can tell,\u201d he reassures nervous parents and bachurim<\/em>. \u201cI\u2019ve seen hundreds of placements, and the mesivta<\/em> gets it right the vast majority of the time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes, if a bachur <\/em>didn\u2019t do well and both the menahel <\/em>and rebbi<\/em> feel strongly that this is not who the bachur<\/em> is, the mesivta <\/em>will consider giving him another farher<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe main factor that a rosh yeshivah<\/em> is looking for in a farher<\/em> is whether he feels this is a bachur<\/em> he will connect to, whether his yeshivah is a place where this bachur<\/em> can thrive,\u201d Rabbi Smith notes. \u201cIt\u2019s not solely about the performance.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The rosh<\/em> yeshivah<\/em> we spoke with has a different perspective. He emphasizes the importance of being a mevakesh<\/em>. \u201cIn our mesivta<\/em>, we see that the desire to know and to grow is a greater predictor of a boy\u2019s ultimate success in learning than kishronos<\/em> are. We are looking for bikush<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Navigating \u201cthe heat\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s look at the process from a mesivta<\/em>\u2019s perspective: After the farher<\/em>, parents have to correctly interpret the mesivta<\/em>\u2019s response and often will be pressured to make a quick decision. The mesivtos<\/em> are pressured as well, to make sure they have satisfactory enrollment\u2014they do not want to have a situation in which their target clientele registered to other mesivtos<\/em> and they missed out on bachurim<\/em> that are a good fit. With pressure all around, things happen fast.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here, as well, the eighth-grade rebbi<\/em> and menahel<\/em> have a major impact on the decisions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some mesivtos<\/em> will give an answer on the spot, but many will not; they prefer to wait until all interviews have been completed to have a better picture of the scope and range of applicants. Although no firm answer is given, parents often try to get an idea of what kind of impression their sons made and what their chances are of being accepted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is another important point to keep in mind. \u201cDon\u2019t judge anything by the impression your son got during the farher<\/em>,\u201d Rabbi Schmelczer says emphatically. \u201cAll the roshei<\/em> mesivta<\/em> are ba\u2019alei<\/em> middos<\/em>, and none will allow a bachur<\/em> to walk away from a farher<\/em> thinking he did poorly. It\u2019s simply a question of mentchlichkeit<\/em>. They will all assure the parents\u2014quite sincerely\u2014that they have a chashuve<\/em> bachur<\/em> for a son.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rabbi Bender agrees. \u201cParents will sometimes hear from their sons that they did well and then wonder why the mesivta<\/em> says \u2018no.\u2019 Some will think the elementary school intervened and \u2018messed things up.\u2019 This is far from the truth; it is the result of simply misunderstanding the rosh mesivta<\/em>\u2019s encouragement to the bachur<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The parents can pick up on the mesivta<\/em>\u2019s intent if he listens carefully to the nuanced response. The cheder<\/em> menahel<\/em> will help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even when a \u2018no\u2019 is received, \u201cpushing\u201d can sometimes help. \u201cThere are a few different types of \u2018no,\u2019\u201d the menahalim<\/em> concede. \u201cIt can be challenging for a parent to tell them apart. Some are \u2018no way,\u2019 and others are flexible and can be changed. The menahel<\/em> will know when it is kedai<\/em> to push, to have some influential people call and advocate for your son.\u201d This is another reason it is important to stay in touch with the cheder<\/em> throughout the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What happens when a mesivta<\/em> says \u201cyes\u201d? Often, they will want to hear a confirmation of acceptance and registration immediately or within a few hours. This can be challenging for parents whose son may not have completed farhering<\/em> yet or may not have received a response from their first choice. Should they accept a \u201cyes\u201d from a \u201crealistic\u201d or \u201cfallback\u201d option when they have not yet heard back from the preferred yeshivah? Parents will try to stall for time, but the mesivta<\/em> is in a similar bind. If you are going to say \u201cno,\u201d they don\u2019t want to lose out on another talmid<\/em> who is waiting for an answer and may otherwise go somewhere else where he has been accepted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A lot of things are dependent on and waiting for each other. It can be a painful decision to make, and again, the cheder<\/em> menahel<\/em> and rebbi<\/em> can help. \u201cThe menahel<\/em> or rebbi <\/em>will often have information the parent does not,\u201d Rabbi Smith explains. \u201cSometimes, a mesivta<\/em> will only accept a certain number of talmidim<\/em> from a particular cheder<\/em>, for whatever reason.\u201d The menahel<\/em> may know that information, and will also know how many bachurim <\/em>have been accepted already. Although the mesivta<\/em> may have shown a willingness to accept a bachur<\/em>, with this and other perspectives, the menahel<\/em> can more realistically estimate the likelihood of getting a \u201cyes\u201d from a hoped-for mesivta<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCertainly, never turn down an acceptance while counting on another one withoutconsulting with your menahel <\/em>or rebbi<\/em> first,\u201d Rabbi Schmelczer says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It may be unfortunate, but an additional factor of which the menahel<\/em> would be aware is the history the mesivta<\/em> has with the elementary school. The school\u2019s recommendation is tremendously important to the mesivta<\/em>; if they have had a negative experience in the past, the mesivta<\/em> administration is less likely to accept a bachur<\/em> who could be somewhat borderline. Some yeshivos can be overly enthusiastic about bachurim<\/em>, and this can hurt the mesivta<\/em>\u2019s trust in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Within a week, all the decisions will have been made, and the overwhelming majority of bachurim<\/em> are enrolled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pressure and risk<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many bachurim<\/em> in eighth grade today feel tremendous pressure to perform on the farhers<\/em>. They can be given the message that their entire future can depend on their learning from Sukkos until Tu B\u2019Shevat since that period determines which mesivta<\/em> they will get into, which affects their ultimate experience in beis<\/em> medrash<\/em>, and thereby the rest of their lives\u2026 It can be a bit overwhelming. We ask the panelists if the pressure is too much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The menahelim<\/em> are encouraging but they don\u2019t take the bait. \u201cIt is very important to get into the right mesivta<\/em>,\u201d they emphasize. \u201cThe wrong mesivta<\/em>\u2014too high or otherwise\u2014can severely impact a talmid<\/em>\u2019s growth.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The rosh<\/em> yeshivah<\/em> strikes a tone of reassurance, and all agree. \u201cUltimately, Hashem decides everything,\u201d he reminds nervous readers. \u201cCertainly, hishtadlus<\/em> is important, but that is all it is\u2014we must all have bitachon<\/em> that Hashem will put each bachur<\/em> in the situation that is best for him, whether or not we would have come to the same conclusion on our own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Protect Your Son from Stagnating in Mesivta<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As heard on Hashkafa M\u2019meon Kodesh, given by Rav Gershon Ribner<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nowadays, there are many different types of mesivtas<\/em> available, of varying levels and degrees scholastically, servicing different levels of motivation and commitment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A very important consideration when choosing a mesivta<\/em> is not to go out of your league.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve had many bachurim<\/em> confide in me that they\u2019re in mesivta<\/em> or beis medrash<\/em> and \u201cnobody looks at them.\u201d They\u2019re one of 30 boys in a class, the shiur <\/em>is geared to the top bachurim<\/em>, and they\u2019re just left to their own motivation. The boys with the more attractive personalities or more outgoing personalities are the ones who forge a good relationship with the rebbi<\/em> and grab his heart, and the rest of the class have no shaychus<\/em> with the rebbi<\/em>. They are not part of the clique, they\u2019re not making it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So I ask these bachurim<\/em>, \u201cWhy did you choose this yeshivah?\u201d And they\u2019ll say, \u201cWhat do you mean\u2014it\u2019s a good place, a top yeshivah!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it\u2019s not a good place for them<\/em>\u2014and look what happened to them because it\u2019s a \u201ctop\u201d yeshivah. Why not go to a yeshivah that fits you, where you\u2019ll be from the best bachurim<\/em>, the shtark<\/em> ones, the one other bachurim<\/em> look up to and want to learn with b\u2019chavrusa<\/em>? Why go to a yeshivah that\u2019s out of your league?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, the boy himself is not expected to know which mesivta<\/em> is a match for him. The parents don\u2019t always know either\u2014they don\u2019t know the mesivta<\/em> scene, they might overrate or underrate their son, and they might be overprotective and sell him short. Therefore, choosing a mesivta <\/em>must be done in serious consultation with the boy\u2019s rebbe\u2019im<\/em> and menahalim<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t get caught up in the \u201crating\u201d of a mesivta<\/em>. And don\u2019t think, Well, if he goes to that top mesivta, then he can get into that top beis medrash, and then he can get into Brisk\u2026then he can finally get that top shidduch.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t look for labels\u2014\u201cOh, baruch Hashem<\/em>, finally, he got into the top yeshivah!\u201d That\u2019s not the end of the problem\u2014that\u2019s where the problem starts<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Forget it. You\u2019re ruining his life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consider sending him to a yeshivah where they\u2019re building their reputation\u2014maybe a newer yeshivah or a yeshivah that\u2019s trying to remake itself. They\u2019re very invested in the boys, they\u2019re going to work with them, he\u2019s going to be the focus of the yeshivah. That\u2019s a very enriching environment.Even after ascertaining which mesivta<\/em> is the right kind for their son, often parents push hard to get into a specific mesivta<\/em>. So they start with the protekzia <\/em>and they\u2019re busy with this rebbi<\/em> or that gadol <\/em>calling, getting this supporter involved, doing everything they can to push their son in and wear down the menahel<\/em>\u2019s resistance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But that\u2019s not the way to go. You need a tremendous amount of hashgachah pratis<\/em> to choose the right mesivta<\/em>. You can\u2019t possibly know the whole picture. You don\u2019t know which friends he\u2019ll find in any mesivta<\/em>, which friends will build him and which friends will destroy him. You don\u2019t know\u2014so why fight for the unknown?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is a common sentiment among Orthodox Jews never to fight too hard to get on a flight. Because at a certain point you start thinking, If things are working against me, I better not get on that flight. These circumstances might be Heaven\u2019s way of trying to guide me off a doomed flight. <\/em>One must have that attitude with mesivtas<\/em> as well. You\u2019re dealing with something way over your head. You need to rely on the One Who knows the future and knows the character of every person and where he will shine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One last point: when a boy starts high school, he will immediately see boys in the mesivta<\/em>, some growing and excelling, and sadly, some boys stagnating and underachieving. There is something a parent can do to greatly increase a bachur<\/em>\u2019s odds of being successful in mesivta<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If he has a mentor, an older bachur<\/em> who\u2019s already established in the yeshivah, then he\u2019ll do much better. It could be an 11th or 12th grader who\u2019s already established as a ben Torah<\/em>\u2014he\u2019s not sleeping through zman kri\u2019as Shema<\/em>, seder<\/em> is seder<\/em>, he likes to learn and he knows how to learn, and he\u2019s normal and psychologically healthy (that has to be checked out very carefully). Have the ninth-grade rebbi <\/em>arrange it\u2014he\u2019ll know the bachurim<\/em> and who is a good match. Let the rebbi <\/em>get them to learn together a half hour before Shacharis\u2014it will give the boy tremendous strength. He has someone to turn to. He\u2019s not alone. This will really increase the odds of a boy being successful in high school. Make sure that the older bachur <\/em>is offered compensation for his time and effort, and remember to never be stingy on your most lucrative investment\u2014your child\u2019s growth.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

: Navigating the Fast-Paced Process of Mesivta Enrollment Rabbi Yitzchok Landa Photos by Jacob Elbogen A parent\u2019s role in guiding the development of their children toward becoming bnei and bnos Torah is riddled with many milestones that must be achieved, each with a certain amount of anxiety. For many, \u201cgetting in\u201d to an appropriate yeshivah […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2445,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[19],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2444"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2444"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2444\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2446,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2444\/revisions\/2446"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2445"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2444"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2444"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2444"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}