{"id":3105,"date":"2023-06-29T13:57:32","date_gmt":"2023-06-29T17:57:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/?p=3105"},"modified":"2023-06-29T13:57:32","modified_gmt":"2023-06-29T17:57:32","slug":"leeway-with-limits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/leeway-with-limits\/","title":{"rendered":"Leeway with Limits"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Helicopter Parenting or Sheer Negligence?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finding the Balance<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

R. Silver<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s a term in vogue today to describe overprotective parents\u2014helicopter parenting<\/em>. Heard of it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Psychologists define helicopter parenting<\/em> as a parenting style that expresses overprotective behaviors toward the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But who defines overprotective<\/em>? And what\u2019s the difference between being overprotective of your children and keeping them safe?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the flip side, how much independence do we want to give our children? When do freedom and confidence turn into neglect?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The benefits (and cons) of unattached parenting<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In 2008, a woman left her son alone in Manhattan with some quarters, a subway map, a MetroCard and a $20 bill and told him to find his own way home. She then wrote a column about it. The criticism she received was overwhelming. People called her a negligent mother, uncaring, and abusive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She claimed she was trying to teach her child responsibility and expressed wonderment at the backlash she received. To her, the fact that she received such negative feedback was a sign of the times, in which helicopter parenting is so prevalent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is this something that our community struggles with?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s hard to say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the one hand, we have seminary students calling home for help with every report, parents calling their child\u2019s school for every issue that crops up, and married children who cannot function without their parents\u2019 assistance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other hand, we see small children playing by themselves in the street, teenagers in restaurants without supervision, and bachurim<\/em> off on long road trips alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Psychologists list a host of benefits of giving children independence, including promoting confidence and self-esteem and developing self-awareness. As frum<\/em> parents, we\u2019re not just looking to give children independence, but to protect them spiritually. On the other hand, if we never expose our children to challenges, how will they manage when they need to?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can we keep our children protected yet let them try their wings?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Free play<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s six o\u2019clock on a summer evening in a small development in Lakewood. Children of all ages ride up and down the quiet streets on their scooters and bikes. Girls dart in and out of homes. The clock hits seven, and with supper and bedtime looming, mothers start wondering, Where are my children?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rikki, who lives in a typical Lakewood development, doesn\u2019t see this as a problem. \u201cI live in a safe neighborhood, and I know all the families on my block. I might not know where my kids are every evening, but they know they need to be home after it gets dark, and I know that if I can\u2019t find them, all I need to do is call up one of the neighbors. I happen to be a nervous type, but it doesn\u2019t bother me that I don\u2019t know where my kids are every second. It\u2019s normal.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cObviously, letting our kids play outside unsupervised depends on many things such as the age, maturity level of the child, and the safety level of the environment,\u201d noted therapist Dr. Sara Teichman says. But generally, she feels that there needs to be some sort of shemirah<\/em>. She suggests making a rotation with the neighbors so that the younger children, at least, have some level of supervision at all times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe child has to know they aren\u2019t left on their own. We can\u2019t take the chance. We can\u2019t compromise when it comes to safety,\u201d she cautions. \u201cSaying that our kids are learning to be independent doesn\u2019t mitigate the risk of getting hurt. I have a real concern when I see parents leave a child or two in a shopping cart while they meander up and down the aisle in the supermarket. It only takes a second for a child to fall.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other hand, Rabbi Binyomin Ginsberg notes that if the child is educated properly, freedom is a chance to put what they learned into practice. \u201cTeach your child about what to do when playing outside, what the plan of action should be when the ball rolls into the street, and when they should come and get you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The same rule can apply to children playing with a friend who has a different hashkafic<\/em> viewpoint. \u201cIf you prepare and educate your child before, the interaction can be a great learning experience. Tell the child, \u2018Our family is very special and unique, and not every family does what we do. If this family wants to play ball on Shabbos and we don\u2019t, what should you do?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not all about safety or even hashkafic<\/em> concerns, though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhen adults are nearby, children feel more calm, and the whole dynamic is different,\u201d Mrs. Seryl Berman, noted parenting teacher, points out. \u201cThey know not to cross certain lines.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When children are left to play unsupervised, the lack of adult presence gives them a license to act as they please. Teasing, name-calling, and excluding rear their ugly heads when children are alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI remember once, years ago, seeing a group of seven- or eight-year-old boys playing outside on Shabbos with no one watching them. An older boy walked by wearing a weekday down jacket, and the children ran after him laughing and teasing. If a parent had been watching, such behavior would never have occurred. Even if one of those boys would have begun taunting, adult presence would have empowered the others to withstand the social pressure of copying such low behavior.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At a recent Torah Umesorah convention, a workshop emphasizing the importance of teachers watching their students during recess was given. So many problems are prevented when children know there is an adult watching.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The ruchniyus perspective<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Independence is great, but what about when it impedes your spiritual standards? How careful do we have to be with whom our children play with? Should we double-check into each family before allowing our kids to go to their house? Or do we say that it\u2019s healthy for children to be exposed to other types?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy parents never allowed us to sleep at friends\u2019 houses,\u201d a noted mechanches <\/em>shares, \u201cand when I got married, I did the same. My children can invite their friends over, no problem, but they\u2019ll never sleep out.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many others agree with this perspective, citing potential spiritual dangers, safety issues, and the idea that children belong at home and not out and about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Others claim it\u2019s healthy fun. \u201cI am happy when my daughters have sleepovers,\u201d Mrs. Berman says. \u201cTheir school friends are lovely girls, and I like that they gain from experiencing other wonderful Shabbos tables. Being with other families as they sing zemiros<\/em> and spend quality time together solidifies their circle of security. It takes a village to raise a child; I like my children to get to know their friends\u2019 mothers, and I like getting to know my children\u2019s friends. But that\u2019s very much my perspective. I don\u2019t think this is something you can categorize as right or wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What about the road trips that have become ubiquitous for bachurim <\/em>these days?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rav Yaakov Berman, rav<\/em> of Khal Bais Tfillah, says, \u201cThe Torah makes it very clear that we can\u2019t expose ourselves and our children to negative influences. It is an issur d\u2019Oraysa<\/em> to expose ourselves to apikorsus <\/em>or any type of pritzus<\/em>. It\u2019s a halachah in Shulchan Aruch<\/em> that one may not eat or drink with non-Jews. One of the reasons there was a chiyuv<\/em> to destroy the seven umos <\/em>in Eretz Canaan was because the Torah didn\u2019t want us to be influenced by the nations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPeople might think, Oh, let me expose my son to the internet and the outside world when he\u2019s young so he can deal with it when he\u2019s older,<\/em> but that\u2019s not our viewpoint at all. If you keep them away, keep them totally sheltered, when the time comes, they will have the knowledge in their gut that this is dangerous and they should deal with it with caution.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Regarding road trips, \u201cWhen you send a group of young bachurim<\/em> out by themselves to be exposed to the world, there are major nisyonos <\/em>that come up. I don\u2019t recommend it. On the other hand, I understand that there are very few options for older bachurim<\/em>. I\u2019m not a menahel<\/em>, but I do feel that it is somewhat a responsibility of the menahel <\/em>to make sure they don\u2019t lose everything they gained a whole year due to a road trip. Some yeshivos set up major gedarim<\/em>; others actually take their bachurim<\/em> on trips\u2014that way they have their own nucleus and they are automatically shielded.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step in or step out?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Twelve-year-old Aliza comes home from day camp each day, face gray with exhaustion. She\u2019s working for your neighbor this summer, and from what you\u2019ve picked up, the director is really taking advantage of her. Aliza is agreeable and sweet and a total pushover, and you know she\u2019ll never say no to a boss. Should you call your neighbor and set things straight?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rabbi Ginsberg says no. Tempting as it is, parents are doing their child a much bigger service by encouraging the child to take care of the issue themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe child needs to know that of course, they can go to their parents for advice at any time, but they won\u2019t take care of the issue for them. When the child comes home complaining that the rebbi<\/em> doesn\u2019t call on him, sit hm down and ask him why he thinks the rebbi <\/em>isn\u2019t calling him, and then discuss what the child can do about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aliza\u2019s mother might think that the problem of her daughter being overworked will be solved with a simple phone call, but she will be teaching her daughter lifelong skills if she encourages her to speak up for herself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNot every child is capable of reaching out to an authority figure,\u201d Dr. Teichman notes. \u201cStill, unless the child is really getting hurt, it\u2019s best to encourage the child to take care of the issue on their own. If they cannot or are unsuccessful, you can then step in. But you can\u2019t protect them from every boo-boo in life.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The same applies to a child who is overspending.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chaim is 13 and has no concept of money. He recently made some money doing odd jobs, and instead of saving it, he is buying ice creams and new balls and whatnot. His spending is so irresponsible; should you insist that he save his money?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI believe that the problem of overspending very often reflects\u2014or is the exact opposite of\u2014the attitude in the home,\u201d Dr. Teichman says. \u201cYou can try to impart good values, but you can\u2019t force behavior; you will only drive it underground. While it is certainly the goal to have children first give tzedakah<\/em>, then bank some funds, and enjoy the rest, forcing this process is an unhealthy manifestation of helicopter parenting and may backfire.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rabbi Ginsberg recommends dealing with overspending the same way parents should deal with any issue: educate, but don\u2019t control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTeach the child about how to save money. Tell them about bank accounts. Explain to them that even Mommy and Totty ask for advice sometimes about how to spend their money, and they can do the same. But that\u2019s it. After that, you need to take a step back and let them figure it out themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once the child has left the nest, the stakes are often higher\u2014and the decision whether to get involved more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miri\u2019s kids are adorable, and as their grandmother, you love watching them. But you can\u2019t help but admit that Miri never seems to have enough time for them. She\u2019s busy with a nine-to-five job and is involved with a thousand other things as well, and her kids seem to be paying the price. Should you gently suggest to Miri that maybe her kids come first?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe most important thing,\u201d says Rabbi Ginsberg firmly, \u201cis to never connect power with finances. You can\u2019t tell your child, \u2018I support you; therefore, you should do x<\/em>.\u2019 When it comes to helping them out, financially or otherwise, if you have the ability to, you could assist as long as you\u2019re not handicapping your child by doing so.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dr. Teichman concurs. \u201cIf a request is legitimate\u2014and that\u2019s the parent\u2019s judgement\u2014then yes, they can help if they choose to. But when parents are overly involved, it prevents the children from learning to depend on each other. Parents should not be getting involved in married children\u2019s lives.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s something that all parents know but is hard to act on, especially when we see our older children making easily preventable mistakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not easy to see our children in pain, but we cannot solve all of their problems or live their lives for them,\u201d Dr. Teichman says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While the absentee parent is negligent in their duties, the overprotective, helicopter parent hurts their children by robbing them of autonomy and decision-making capabilities.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Helicopter Parenting or Sheer Negligence? Finding the Balance R. Silver There\u2019s a term in vogue today to describe overprotective parents\u2014helicopter parenting. Heard of it? Psychologists define helicopter parenting as a parenting style that expresses overprotective behaviors toward the child. But who defines overprotective? And what\u2019s the difference between being overprotective of your children and keeping […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3106,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[21],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3105"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3105"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3105\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3107,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3105\/revisions\/3107"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3106"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3105"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3105"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3105"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}