{"id":3196,"date":"2023-08-03T11:42:35","date_gmt":"2023-08-03T15:42:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/?p=3196"},"modified":"2023-08-03T11:42:35","modified_gmt":"2023-08-03T15:42:35","slug":"the-voice-of-singles","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/the-voice-of-singles\/","title":{"rendered":"The Voice of Singles"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Is Our Attitude Contributing to the Shidduch Crisis?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chani Juravel LCSW<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re all read so many discussions, articles, and op-eds on the topic of singles in our community. I\u2019m not weighing in with my opinions or analysis; I have none, because when it comes to people, there\u2019s no one-size-fits-all answer, insight, or piece of advice. As Rebbetzin Kanievsky so warmly and wisely told me, the key to success with anyone we try to be there for is \u201cTeid\u2019i shekol echad olam malei<\/em>\u2014Know that each person is an entire world.\u201d It\u2019s impossible and condescending to attempt to create global understanding of or game plans for any demographic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m writing, then, not to solve any of the issues presented over the past years, but because many of the phenomenal singles I know have asked me to try to be their collective voice, to express their pain, their truth, and some of their wishes. I hope that I will be representing them as accurately and as eloquently as they deserve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A confidence crisis<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just about all of us carry some form of lack or disability; we are all stuck somewhere that we don\u2019t want to be. For singles, their lack is more public and more visible than many others\u2019. Unfortunately, it\u2019s no secret that a woman \u201cwithout a beanie\u201d doesn\u2019t get the same treatment and respect, nor does a man without a tallis<\/em>. For the most part, they\u2019re often passed over (if even considered) for positions within the community needing the very type of expertise and leadership skills they have and display. They are at times dismissed, demeaned, and marginalized, and they usually swallow it all rather than risk coming across as more \u201cintimidating and assertive\u201d than they are already warned they seem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the other hand, they are given off-the-mark, inappropriate advice in public, looked over unabashedly, and interrogated freely by strangers on matters that are sensitive and private. They\u2019re made to feel that their dreams can and should be ignored, that their standards are too high, and that their principles are too uncompromising. All that from others who may very likely adhere to, live with, and greatly admire the same.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We call it a shidduch <\/em>crisis, which adds to the panic and desperation. A young divorc\u00e9e told me, \u201cI was so afraid I\u2019d be left single, I thought I\u2019d better just get married so I could check that off my list as the next thing you just have to do, after going to the right seminary.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m not so sure, though, that the truest crisis is about finding shidduchim<\/em>. I think that to a lot of singles, it is much more about being a crisis of confidence that is the result of their feeling beaten down and seen as hopelessly incompetent. Studies show that the most attractive feature most people are drawn to in looking for a partner is confidence. And we are definitely not<\/em> enhancing or encouraging confidence in the way we sometimes treat singles, especially older ones who deserve even more of our respect and admiration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Harder than it needs to be<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A 26-year-old professional was asked to take off from work to meet a renowned shadchan in person. She drove hours each way, losing a day\u2019s pay and suffering the stress of missing many work-related meetings. She was barely seated when she was asked what seminary she went to (eight years before) and where her father davens\u2026and then told she could leave. She needed to wait in her car for quite a while before driving home as her tears made visibility impossible.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A single woman in her 40s was told by a well-meaning shadchan a couple of decades younger than she was that she should get a \u201cbetter profile shot\u201d on her r\u00e9sum\u00e9 and dress with an eye toward \u201cbetter fit and colors.\u201d She was also told that she had \u201cto have the right attitude and priorities.\u201d The young matchmaker failed to ask the single woman much about herself. She probably would have been inspired to hear that the woman had been selflessly and singlehandedly supporting a kollel couple for the past 10 years, including paying their children\u2019s tuitions, and that she was a steady member of the chevrah kaddisha and other chessed organizations in her small community, all while holding down an incredibly demanding job and playing a critical role in her family.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A very capable, ambitious, single talmid chacham worked hard on his positive attitude and being happy for his married friends. It was anything but easy being in yeshivah and in a dorm with so many younger men. Still, he made it his business to sing and dance upon hearing announcements of the engagements of those over a decade younger than he. It took so much out of him, but he tried not to wear his sadness on his sleeve. He was totally deflated when someone pulled him aside and told him that he \u201cshouldn\u2019t be so happy about life\u201d if he wanted his tefillos answered and that Hashem wouldn\u2019t take his pleas seriously if the misery and pain weren\u2019t obvious. The avodah he was proudest of was contaminated by someone who had never had more than a two-sentence conversation with him in all the years they were in yeshivah together and had married the first girl he\u2019d dated.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A group of single staff members were involved in a heated conversation in the teachers\u2019 room in a school I was working in some years back. I asked if I could be of help, and they shared that they hadn\u2019t received paychecks in months. They were told that they didn\u2019t have the same expenses as the married staff, so it \u201cjust made sense\u201d that their checks would have to wait. Some of those unbelievably devoted staff members were teaching in the school for a lot longer than their married colleagues, and regardless of their marital status, some were carrying debt and expenses incurred for various personal and pressing reasons.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Obviously, I\u2019m painting a pretty bleak picture. Of course, there are many supportive, special, sensitive shadchanim<\/em>, family members, and community members. It\u2019s critical to realize, though, that every single has experienced at least a taste of the above and cringes at the possibility of there being more to come at any given moment. Just that fear alone makes life so much harder than it needs to be. Lurking at every simchah<\/em> or in any coffee room may be someone saying to cut or grow their hair or beard, someone asking how many calls they\u2019re making or calories they\u2019re eating, or someone looking at them with too much sympathy or not enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the box<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We all try to create what I call boxes<\/em> in an attempt to figure out the more confounding parts of our world. If someone dies of lung cancer, we ask if they smoked. If a child seems at risk, we ask if their home is dysfunctional.Truth be told, nothing is as simple and straightforward as a box. There are lots more layers and levels of complications than a box can explain. But creating boxes is our way of maintaining some sanity, of having an illusion of control, understanding, and predictability in an otherwise confusing and often scary world. With boxes, we can \u201cknow\u201d who gets sick, who\u2019s at risk, who\u2019s in danger\u2026and feel relieved knowing that we\u2019re in the other<\/em> box. Boxes tell us who\u2019s good and bad, deserving or lacking, successful or failed. They let us hedge our bets and give advice and pretend that we can outguess G-d, statistics, and the messier parts of life all at once.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Singlehood challenges our illusions and boxes. Singles who have everything going for them force us to face the harsh, box-less fact that doing everything right doesn\u2019t ensure success. We can\u2019t always have it all, in spite of it seeming that we deserve to. We don\u2019t always live the life we want to be living, and we don\u2019t know why. Those truths are all terribly uncomfortable and out of sync with our need to be in control and figure out how to make things go our way. So, we may just create other boxes (like pieces of advice, explanations, statistical evidence of demographics, theories of which qualities work and which don\u2019t in dating, segulos<\/em>, and more) to reclaim our solid ground of having a reason. That way we can proclaim, publish, and solve this painful problem once and for all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But maybe singles remind us of our need to let go of the box mentality and recognize just how little we can ever make sense of our world, let alone anyone else\u2019s. Boxes typically do nothing for a person other than burying them in some way. As Chanah aptly sang in her shirah<\/em>,after suffering the abuse of those who \u201cknew\u201d why she was childless and tried to \u201chelp\u201d for almost two decades, \u201cAl tarbu tedabru gevohah gevohah<\/em>\u2014Do not speak a lot of \u2018high\u2019 talk.\u201d She was proof that speaking \u201clofty\u201d and pretending to know was not only a waste of time, it was downright demeaning and damaging. She continues, \u201cKi Keil dei\u2019os Hashem\u2026v\u2019lo niskenu alilos<\/em>\u201d\u2014for only the Master of each of our prescriptions can possibly know our individual needs and the whys of what each of us is living.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The only box worth knowing is the one He lovingly and masterfully crafts, creates, and provides each of His equally deserving, beloved children. All that\u2019s left for us to do is to respect each other\u2019s boxes as uniquely appropriate and be there for others in their respective journeys with kindness, compassion, and curiosity. As the Chafetz Chaim said, we are gifted two distinct eyes for a very powerful, important reason: one eye is meant to look inward, to reflect and introspect on how and what we can be doing better; and the other eye is gifted to us to look outward at others with only positivity, to view them favorably and without judgment. Out of convenience, though, we often reverse those eyes. That comes across as \u201cI\u2019m just fine\u2026and you need help because you\u2019re obviously getting it wrong.\u201d Instead, asking \u201cHow can I be there for you and hold this with you in a way that would work for you best?\u201d is the best we can and should ever offer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The power of resilience<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The single population is a favorite group of mine (as much as I\u2019ll be ecstatic to embrace them in their next stage instead). I\u2019ll tell you why.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They are proof positive of the power of resilience. They show up to their lives every day, doing what they have to do and getting through so many of the ordeals they face with grace, goodness, and a mindset of growth. And they do it again and again, day in and day out, even though what is typically an exceptional process on so many levels doesn\u2019t yield the desired outcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As Rav Hutner said in a letter to Rabbi Sherer in a difficult time, Jews live with the knowledge that process is all that\u2019s ours; outcome is never in our control. Akeidas Yitzchak<\/em> is named for an event that never came to fruition. Our pride should be solely in the process we engage in, in spite of results that are never meant to be our definition of success.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The singles I am privileged to know perform that akeidah<\/em> day in and day out. They may be better at dating and communicating and davening<\/em> than any of their married friends. And they have no proof of any of that work and get no credit for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Singles teach me what it means to choose to focus on what\u2019s in our control as opposed to what\u2019s not. My beloved father a\u201dh<\/em> used to say that there was a singular difference between Mordechai and Haman, a difference that made one forever blessed and one eternally cursed: Mordechai had nothing going for him but one thing\u2014his relationship with Hashem\u2014and that is what he focused on. Haman had everything going for him except one thing\u2014the Jews\u2014and that was his focus. The singles I know are constantly and consistently striving to focus on what\u2019s right in their lives despite so many messages getting them to see what isn\u2019t. They create experiences and learn new skills and take advantage of time in whichever way they can. It\u2019s astounding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Last, they are my hope in miracles being possible. A miracle, after all, goes beyond the dictates of nature. Singles live miracles all the time, allowing themselves to hope yet again and try another date; to keep believing in the same tefillos<\/em> they\u2019ve been saying for so long; to find outlets for joy, friendship, learning, and giving even when staying in bed may be the most natural choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re not privileged to understand much about Hashem\u2019s ways. One thing we do know, though, is that our actions can elicit His reactions. That being the case, no doubt that the miraculous behavior of the brave, beautiful, inspiring singles of our generation are our key to redemptive miracles to come.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s all do our part to make their miracles happen, too\u2014while making them feel as miraculous as they truly are. There is a geulah <\/em>they so badly yearn for; the least we can do is offer them freedom from our judgment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chani Juravel LCSW is a popular lecturer and therapist in private practice. She sees individuals and couples in her Rockland County, NY, office as well as virtually. She can be contacted at <\/em>chanijuravel@gmail.com<\/em><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sneetches Without Stars<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Devorah Leah Fried<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I recently received an invitation for a shidduch<\/em> meeting. I was touched that someone had reached out to singles and was looking to help them. There was only one snag: the invitation was only for girls who attended certain \u201cstar\u201d seminaries. Yes, there was another event for those who attended other establishments. Yet, they were separated. The haves and the have nots.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was reminded of the book The Sneetches<\/em> by Dr. Seuss, in which only the sneetches with stars were allowed to attend the star events.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why is which seminary you attended a factor in meeting the shadchan<\/em>? What does it matter which seminary you attend? I know they mean well. It is much easier to match up \u201cBrisk boys\u201d with \u201cBJJ girls\u201d and see the \u201cMasores Rochel type.\u201d But honestly, how can you segregate them in such a blatant way?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We all talk about the challenge of girls getting accepted to high school and seminary. And here, we are taking the pressure of that process, highlighting it, and double underlining it. For only those who go to seminaries that stamp them with \u201cstars\u201d can join the elite \u201cstar-bellied sneetches.\u201d The poor girls who don\u2019t get into those seminaries are crushed enough. Now you\u2019re almost ruling them out from being matched up with \u201ctop boys.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Getting into schools is an old problem. People push and push and there isn\u2019t enough room. Even more than that, people are afraid to send to places that may be fitting for their children because of how it will categorize them. We think about shidduchim<\/em> when we get our kids into elementary school. Sometimes, we prioritize that over a school that would cater to our kids\u2019 needs such as smaller class size or warmer teachers. We hope and pray that they get out the other end unscathed so that they can marry the top, normal, perfect boy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I remember a friend choosing BJJ even though she herself wanted a seminary that was smaller and warmer. For the right girl, the right school, but just because the school has a name does not mean you are that. Top girl doesn\u2019t mean one type.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A top seminary doesn\u2019t necessarily mean the perfect girl or wife. Again it is true that often the top boys\u2019 yeshivos<\/em> and top girls\u2019 seminaries produce students with similar goals and hashkafos<\/em>. Yet, if we only put together boys and girls from those lists, we are ignoring all those many people who would be great matches regardless of the seminaries they went to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Who\u2019s to say that a boy who has X background or went to X yeshivah will be less compatible with a girl who went to Y seminary? Many boys in shidduchim<\/em> end up saying \u201cI want a girl who will be a wife.\u201d That has nothing to do with seminaries. In fact, most of the growth, giving, and selflessness of marriage and raising a family has nothing to do with school at all and more to with personality, history, and life throughout marriage and challenges.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just like we beg people to consider shidduchim<\/em> from out of town, and we eschew their virtues, so too we should look at the \u201csneetches without stars.\u201d In fact, they may have more \u201cstars\u201d than the others. Boys from different backgrounds may be self-made; they\u2019ve learned how to be respectful yet strong. Those who struggled in the school system may be more compassionate and understanding. They may have perseverance and be able to be the supportive parent, the one who helps the struggling child they may have one day, because they get it. Girls from \u201cbroken homes\u201d know how to handle conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So instead of labeling everyone with stars or not and fencing them from our parties, we can do things differently. We can peel away the stars, or just ignore them. After all, \u201cThe sneetches got really quite smart on that day. The day they decided that sneetches are sneetches. And no kind of sneetch is the best on the beaches.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

L.C.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Is Our Attitude Contributing to the Shidduch Crisis? Chani Juravel LCSW We\u2019re all read so many discussions, articles, and op-eds on the topic of singles in our community. I\u2019m not weighing in with my opinions or analysis; I have none, because when it comes to people, there\u2019s no one-size-fits-all answer, insight, or piece of advice. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3197,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[19],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3196"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3196"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3196\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3198,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3196\/revisions\/3198"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3197"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3196"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3196"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thevoiceoflakewood.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3196"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}